There was a deathly hush in the Court, then people recited things in ancient Norman-French; lesser officers repeated them in English; policemen, both Paid and Honorary, related how they bad proceeded from one place to another in the execution of their duty and acting on information received and what was more they had notebooks to prove it. Sam’s advocate rose and moaned piteously; George’s man boomed capably; Solly – a Solly I had never seen before – craved the Court’s indulgence to explain briefly that I was – although not in just those words – merely a fucking idiot and more to be pitied than censured.

There was another deathly hush, broken only by peppermint noises from the old ladies. The Deputy Bailiff and Jurats retired to debate the finer points and I had a quick consultation with my pocket-flask.

Our judges returned after a very few minutes, wearing damned disinheriting countenances. When everyone was seated, we miscreants were bidden to stand up again. The Deputy Bailiff had a fine command of the language; as he summarized our follies we shrank in stature quite visibly.

Five sonorous minutes made it clear to us, and to all beholders, that we were the sort of reprobates without which the fair Isle of Jersey could well do; that much of the hooliganism, drunkenness and general lowering of moral standards on the Island was directly attributable to such as we; that men of our age should be giving an example to the younger generation and that it had better not happen again, or else.

He took a pause for breath.

‘Charlie Strafford Van Cleef Mortdecai,’ he said in a voice of doom. ‘You are deemed guilty on all three counts. What say you in answer?’

I caught the compelling eye of the old lady opposite. She was leaning forward, her mouth ajar, the great striped peppermint inside clearly visible.

‘I’m awfully sorry,’ I told the peppermint; ‘foolish, ill-advised, unforgivable. Yes. Sorry. Very.’

He told me that I was a man of good family; that I had acted in a disinterested way on my friends’ behalf, although foolishly; that the Court was satisfied with my expressions of regret, that the disgrace was probably punishment enough and that the Court was therefore disposed to be lenient. I hung my head to hide my smirk.

‘You are therefore committed to prison for a total of twenty-seven months.’ The old lady’s dentures snapped shut on the unlucky peppermint. ‘Or to pay an aggregate fine of four hundred and fifty pounds. Give the prisoner a chair, officer. You are also bound over to be of good behaviour for five years in your own recognizance of a further five hundred pounds.’

He slid has spectacles six inches down his splendid nose. ‘Can you pay?’ he asked in a kinder voice.

Sam drew fifty pounds less in fines but he didn’t get the bit about being of good family, which must have stung.