Soft

soft.

Copyright ©2018 kiana azizian

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, including recording, photocopying, or other electronic methods, without the written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews

ISBN-13: 978-1-949191-01-1

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soft.

Kiana Azizian

soft

/sôft/

(adjective)

not firm or hard to touch.

to be kind, beautiful, and humane.

one who is delicate, caring, and gentle.

soft is not weak.

to be soft is to be strong.

to be soft is to be unstoppable.

somehow,

i am

soft

yet

rigid,

all at

the

same

time.

- human

the

hardening.

this hardening was

not a part of the plan.

it came out of nowhere,

and knocked the wind

out from my lungs.

it left me breathless,

dazed,

lost.

confused.

then the darkness took over,

and it changed me;
ripping apart the soft creature i used to be.

they don’t warn us about the pain,

or the grief that lives with it.

but even worse,

they do not teach us

how to deal with it all.

how to cope,

grieve the grief,

forgive the hurt.

soften the parts that we

have lost to the hardening.

i know what you’ve been through,

i’ve been around the same places.

i thought you looked familiar.

the pain,

it lives in your eyes.

trying to escape with each tear.

every drop telling a story of its own.

you fell in love,

didn’t you?

tell me all about them.

you are safe here.

were they everything you’d hoped for,

perhaps even a little more?

did they say all the right things

at the right time?

were they pure perfection?

you’d do anything for them,

i know, i know.

like i said,

i’ve been there too.

but they left.

without any proper closure,

gone before the dusk of night.

your poor heart,

i can hear the cracks as it beats.

it has seen better days.

they took so much of you,

now you’re not even sure who you are without
their existence in your life.

you’re still mourning the loss of them,

the loss of yourself.

i know it must be hard to see the bigger picture
right now...

all you can imagine is

how flawlessly they walked away,

replaying all the promises said,

all the promises made.

but listen closely.

them leaving was the

best thing to ever happen to you.

thank them.

this is all you owe them.

be grateful for their departure,

because the day they left,

was also the day

you were reminded

how important it is to truly admire,

and put yourself first.

forever.

and always.

i just want you

and your wild love.

love that stays.

this is the type

of love i crave.

- infinite

you taste like a dream.

i never want to wake

up from you.

- cloud nine

your eyes tell me

all i need to know.

i can already

foreshadow

the way your touch

will ruin me.

please don’t come

any closer.

stay away from me.

you reek of my

next mistake.

people

come and go.

but you.

you have

always stayed.

- permanent

love like

you doesn’t

come around

very often.

- thankful

none of this,

life,

has made

any sense,

until you.

kissing your lips for

the first time felt

like the earth stopping.

it was mouth-parting,

heart-captivating,

jaw-dropping.

it was a

spectacular phenomenon.

- utopia

you taste

like the light

i’ve been

seeking.

i think you

are my sun.

- you are my day

his calmness has

overridden my chaos.

it’s true what they

say about opposites,

they do attract.

i am lost in the art of loving you.

i was a ship.

he was the sea.

shipwreck was

inevitable.

- collision

i slowly sunk

into you.

it was easier than

facing myself.

- identity

love me deeply.

i want to drown

into you.

i’d never consider

myself an addict,

well,

until you.

the night sweats

come without notice,

uncontrollable itching.

this skin barely

fits me anymore.

you have become

more than a desire.

a necessity.

essential for living.

i want you,

has become

an understatement.

i need you.

i want to learn the language of your spine.

get out before it’s too late,

my mind is raging.

give it a chance,

my heart is begging.

you taste like childhood,

recognizable scents,

and lasting memories.

you feel like the

excitement of growing up,

learning the flow of life.

you feel like

coming home

after days,

months,

years,

away.

you are like unexplored

fields of sunflowers,

first kisses under the

light of the stars,

the lingering scent

of campfire smoke.

you are familiar,

yet like nothing

i’ve ever

experienced
before.

oh how he

puts the light

into the day.

i cannot

bring myself

to just

walk away.

i’ve marked you

a spot in my heart,

i’ll treasure you with
each and every pulse.

- chest of treasure

my love is

the ocean.

you must learn

to swim in the

waves of my soul,

or plunge

in all the chaos

which lives in

my heart.

- sink or swim

you are the peace i crave in this chaotic world.

the first time

you laid

your hands

upon me,

i thought you

were made of

pure gold.

- gem

every time i gained

a piece of you,

i lost a piece of me.

- a willing sacrifice

your eyes became

my vision,

your mouth became

my source of air.

your body became

my haven,

your soul became

my shelter.

when all was

said and done,

i didn’t even know

who i was anymore.

you left me behind,

feeling disoriented

in my own body.

breathless.

gone,

tired and terrified.

and now,

i am lost at the

very thought of

your sacred name.

he made

me soft again.

kind and humble.

forgiving.

he has brought

me to my knees,

and reminded me

the beauty of

being grounded.

gradually i began

to fall for you,

hesitant every

step of the way.

it’s been so long,

i’ve omitted what passion

is supposed to feel like.

your youthful touch

overtakes me,

compelling my soul.

you steal my bones,

unravel my spine

until i am

completely undone.

bare.

raw.

pure honey and flesh

lying on your

white, silk sheets.

you don’t call me

beautiful.

you called me

heavenly;

a goddess.

before you,

i thought
love was chaotic.

madness.

fire and flames.

i thought love

was a battlefield.

war.

a death wish.

i thought love was

sleepless nights.

no appetite.

nonfunctional.

but loving you was

everything but torture.

loving you was easy.

simple.

graceful.

loving you was the

most natural thing

i have ever consumed.

loving you was

like breathing,

it was effortless.

you blow straight through me,

yet shake up my domain.

thunder cracks and

lightning strikes every time

i hear your name,

storms brew inside my soul
when you’re near.

i haven’t been myself

since you’ve appeared.

his lips are

a burning gun.

i love taking

bullets from him.

you’ve been through a lot,

i can see it in your eyes.

you’ve got a big heart,

and you’re not sure

what to do with all of it.

you’ve given too much of yourself

to people who weren’t worth it.

the people who promised

to never hurt you,

did,

and the ones who promised

to never leave,

left without even a

proper caution of their departure.

you know where you want to be in life,

yet can’t find the road

which will lead you there.

you’re lost,

truly misplaced.

unsure of your direction,

and not sure where to go next.

caught in-between being

afraid of repeating the past,

and wrecking the future.

you must understand,

it gets better.

your past doesn’t define you,

and your future remains unmarked.

just because you’ve been hurt before,

doesn’t mean you will hurt again.

people leave.

but sometimes people come back.

stop searching for what you are not,

and start loving everything

you have become.

for some reason,

his eyes don’t sparkle

like the stars anymore.

- dull

once it was over,

i kind of missed

his sad eyes

and wicked lies.

- confession

you don’t taste like you used to,

or touch me in the right places.

you don’t kiss me with that

thirsty look in your eyes.

we have changed.

i’m not sure where to go from here.

we act like lovers,

yet are hardly in love anymore.

sticking to our scripts,

we play our parts without

having to practice our lines.

hitting each cue,

every scene is perfection.

eloquent.

the audience

is convinced of our roles.

i’m so tired of this performance.

it’s time to throw in the towel,

and call it a show.

we made this place our home.

painted the walls red,

flowered them with photographs

of remarkable memories.

our lives spelled out with

the mess of worn clothes,

and cluttered belongings.

it all looks perfect from the outside,

but we tiptoe around each other lately,

guests in our own home.

ghosts too afraid of being seen,

noticed.

we stick to our own sides of the bed now,

not crossing borders without permission,

clearance.

every night,

you whisper

i love you,

and i can’t help but think

this is out of habit,

not sincerity.

and all I ever needed was for you to fight for me.

i wouldn’t

call what we

had love.

i would call

it madness.

- i would call it chaos

she’s changed.

you can see it in her eyes,

feel it in her touch,

hear it in her tone.

she’s not the same.

and she’s never coming back.

- because you’ve lost her

i guess i’m the only

one left with the blame.

you warned me of

your destructive manner,

but i was too stubborn

to get out of your way.

you’re nothing but arbitrary

words on these crumbled pages.

a faint lingering memory,

one that never completely fades.

dissipates.

stagnant water under

a neglected bridge.

disremembered photographs in

a run-down shoebox.

a slight discomfort in the

cavity of my lungs.

one day,

i’ll be able to walk out to

the ledge and not be afraid to swim,

and not fear the possibility of

suffocating your wake.

but for now,

i’ll hold on to the little pieces

of yourself you left behind.

because this is the only

thing getting me through.

your lies were comforting.

they sounded like

a melody i’ve heard

hundreds of times before.

they tucked me into bed,

kissed my forehead,

rocked me throughout

the night.

they created my

favorite lullaby.

naively i wanted to

know your truth,

but it seems

some deceits are better

left misunderstood.

it’s 3:37 a.m.,

silence is all

i hear from you.

it’s so loud in here.

i need to get

some sleep.

you didn’t even

realize i was there

until i was absent.so detached.

distant.

overlooking the thing

standing in front of you,

you were too

focused on the past.

you didn’t have

eyes for the future.

i cannot keep praying

you will come back home to me.

my hands are getting tired,

grasping on to this thread

you’ve kept me

reeled on.

i’ve never been so

afraid of heights,

standing out on this edge,

scared of what lies ahead.

you promised to catch me,

but you’re nowhere to be found.

maybe it’s time for me to let go,

and hope my wings have

grown strong enough to help me fly.

i will not blame you

for taking advantage

of all the chances

i handed you.

just as i will not blame

myself for being

so reckless with

my fragile heart.

let’s call it even.

i have unintentionally

convinced myself

i am not worthy of
compassion.

- death sentence

my biggest regret

in life is convincing

myself you would be

the end of me.

- but you were not

i’m always hoping you might

come back around to me.

this house is no home

without your touch.

it’s just four bare walls,

which have seen too much,

yet felt so little.

he was in love

with my idea,

not me.

i could see it

in his eyes.

they never

lied to me.

they always

told the truth,

unlike him.

i miss you,

but i’m not sure how to tell you.

so i’ll sit with my thoughts,

and the stinging void

you have given me,

trying to compose

the words to help

articulate how nothing

feels the same without you.

sometimes i wish you’d come back,

but i cannot keep holding

on to something so far gone.

he only left a

few months ago,

but he’s been

gone for years.

- absent

i’m exhausted

from not being

seen by the

eyes i’ve fallen

in love with.

- overlooked

i’ve packed up your things,

especially your memories,

and left them out

by the front door.

don’t bother knocking,

i’ve changed the locks,

and hidden the spare key.

how does it feel standing

behind shut doors?

i’ve been doing so for months.

i’ve finally decided to move on.

let go.

and i think it’s time

you do so as well.

maybe love and i weren’t made for one another.

i’ve spent too much of my

precious time and energy on men

who didn’t deserve my love.

draining this massive heart,

which fragilely sits

within the thin cage of my bruised ribs.

i apologize in advance

to the man who comes next,

because i’m not sure what i have to give.

all of my warmth has been scattered in the ones
who i was trying to create into him.

i hope i can find it within

myself to love him as he deserves.

i don’t feel like myself anymore.

truthfully i haven’t for quite some time,

but i do know,

i was different once.

i can feel myself drifting apart,

sneaking away.

diluting myself

to please their taste buds.

i’m fading.

thinning.

disappearing.

i’ve become rough,

ridged,

around the edges;

please don’t come too close.

you don’t want to see what is inside.

i’m not sure when this all began,

it all feels like a blur from

this viewpoint.

the nostalgia for my prior

days has taken over.

i can’t remember what it

feels like to be wild,

or recklessly free.

i once was courageously and

unapologetically myself.

one thing i do know though is,

i was once better than this.

i am still longing

for you.

i am homesick

for your touch.

- lost

but none of these

paths lead back

to you.

- dead ends

my love is

exhausted.

my heart is

worn down.

i received the bad

end of this bargain,

while you were handed

the easy way out.

unharmed and unmarked.

restful nights,

you fall asleep the

instant your head touches

your cigarette scented pillow.

tossing and turning,

i can’t get you out of my mind.

i am sleepless at the