So there was a way this needed to go and I had to find the courage to make it go that way.

I did this, turning in his arms, lifting my hands to his biceps, and most importantly, catching his eyes.

“When I say I lost it,” I whispered when he was looking down at me. “I lost it, Mickey. Like, lost it. I went more than a little crazy. I was hurt and I wanted them to hurt so I made them hurt. I went out of my way to do it. I took every opportunity to do it and if there weren’t any, I created them. I did not do what I should have done, felt the pain, but powered through it for myself and my kids. I nursed it and fed from it and behaved selfishly, thoughtlessly, and worst of all, spitefully.”

“He fucked and got engaged to another woman while he was married to you, babe. Again, within your rights,” Mickey told me.

“For three years?” I asked.

He didn’t even blink.

He asked back, “Is there a time limit for bein’ pissed about betrayal?”

“My kids saw it, Mickey.”

To that, he said nothing.

My heart pinched but I had to keep going.

“I should have shielded them from it. I can’t say it was frequently. But it was not rare. It happened at their school events. When Conrad would pick up the kids. When I’d pick them up. They should have never seen that. And what they didn’t see, they heard. I connived to find ways to get into it with Conrad and Martine, embarrass them, take my pain out on them. I went to Conrad’s practice. I went to the hospital where Martine worked. I wanted everyone to know what kind of people they were. In the end, it was only me I made a fool of.”

“How’d your kids know about that other shit?” Mickey asked.

“Eventually, as he went for more and more custody, Conrad shared it with them. Before they came here, they were old enough to speak with the judge and decide who they wanted to live with. I made it so they did not want to live with me.”

Mickey’s mouth got tight but he said through it, “He shouldn’t have done that, Amy.”

“I shouldn’t have given him the ammunition to do it, Mickey,” I returned and shook my head, looking to his shoulder, dropping my voice and admitting, “I don’t think you understand how bad I got. How ugly I was. Petty and stupid. He had no choice but to push things with me, and in the end, move across the country to make his family safe from my ugliness.”

When Mickey didn’t say anything, panic started leaking into me.