It was a struggle. It made me feel selfish to an extreme. I had no idea what effort you had to put into dealing with kids who were dealing with the ugly fact their mother was an alcoholic, but I suspected that took a lot of effort.

It still hurt that after all that had happened, after that kiss, Mickey hadn’t found time in his day even to text me.

I sent an update, how’s-it-going email to my parents, who had not replied or phoned since my last email, but I couldn’t let that bother me.

It was what it was. They were who they were. I couldn’t change them and I wasn’t going to allow them to change me. Not anymore.

So whatever would be with that would just have to be.

I was trolling Internet sites, trying to get a lock on or even an idea of the perfect dining room table when my phone sounded.

I snatched it up then pulled up the texts excitedly to read an out of the blue text from my son.

Heads up, Pip tried out for the cheerleading squad. She didn’t make it. She isn’t happy.

I was elated to have news about my kids. I was beside myself my son had shared this with me without anything from me prompting him to do so.

I was upset at the news.

I didn’t know much about my children but I knew Pip had been living to be a freshman cheerleader. I also knew, having her heart set on that, she’d worked at it and she liked to get what she wanted.

Not getting it, she’d be devastated.

I texted back, Thanks for the heads up, kid.

Then I went to an online flower site and ordered a bouquet to be sent to my daughter the next day that had a card that said, You’re awesome. Love you. Mom.

It was all I could do, but even though it wouldn’t help much, my baby girl loved flowers so I hoped it’d do something.

I was putting away my credit card when my phone rang.

Hoping it was Mickey, I snatched it up.

It wasn’t Mickey. It was Robin.

Vying for best call I could get that day, I’d take that and I did.

“Hey, gorgeous,” I answered.

“You have five minutes to give me ten reasons not to cut you out completely when you blew me off almost completely,” she replied.

I drew in a breath.

Then I took far more than five minutes and gave her all I could give her. Everything about me; all my epiphanies, all I was thinking, maybe being an idiot about our friendship, Mom and Dad, Lawr, Conrad, the kids, Martine, Josie and her brood, Alyssa and her brood, Aisling, Cillian, Boston Stone, Bradley…and Mickey.

I’d drained my wine and topped it up through all this talking.