‘Yeah, but this is in seven to ten years’ time when they’re fully grown. It doesn’t help you now.’ He thrusts the paper back at me like it’s contaminated. ‘Unless you’ve got money to burn for the next ten years, you need to concentrate on the trees you have now. And these figures are way off. Your expenses will be so much more than that, and to sell a tree at £40, it’s got to be a perfect specimen. The ones you have here are far from perfect and never will be again. And it’s great that you’re already thinking about replanting, but nothing will grow crammed that tightly into a field. They’ll all get cut down by disease or destroyed by pests if you’re going to try to plant them that close together. Christmas trees need space around them. They need light and air, and room to walk between each one to shear them, and if one dies, you can remove it before whatever killed it spreads to the rest of the plot. These figures are great for someone sat in front of a computer screen, but absolutely useless in the real world.’

God, he’s so knowledgeable. He seems to know everything there is to know about Christmas tree farming and he isn’t a Christmas tree farmer. It makes me realise just how much there is to learn, and how little time there is to do it in if I want to sell anything this year. I also wish he was a bit more approachable and a little less condescending so that I could ask him for advice without being ridiculed.

‘You need to concentrate on the trees you already have for this season. In January, you think about saving seed, preparing the soil, and planting up saplings, but your farm is a ridiculously overgrown mess that needs a lot of real-world physical work right now if you want to get it even halfway up to scratch before December.’

I gulp.

‘This business isn’t about sales figures,’ he continues. ‘It’s not like putting a neatly boxed product on a shelf and waiting for people to buy it. A business plan isn’t going to help with the real-life physical work that doesn’t take place behind a computer screen.’

‘I know figures. All businesses succeed or fail based on figures.’

‘Well, I don’t know figures, but I do know Christmas trees, and this—’ he pokes the crinkled piece of paper in my hand ‘—is worthless.’

We hold each other’s gaze for a long moment, and then he jerks his head towards my fields. ‘Let me show you what I mean. Want to come for a walk around with me? Maybe I can stop the next inventory consisting of “green trees, tall green trees, and taller green trees” so you’ve at least got some clue about what you’ve bought.’