Outside, the sky is blue and bright, and I take a picture and send it to Chelsea to prove that we get sun in Scotland. There’s a patch of land behind the farmhouse that’s home to several outbuildings – a huge barn and a handful of tin sheds in varying states of decay, and I decide to start there. The grass is a grey-ish brown and overgrown to knee-height, tangled and flopping over, and there’s an unsteady stone wall separating my land from Noel’s, with half the top fallen away and stones missing, leaving gaps of weeds poking through. It’s mostly shaded by the buildings and a tall hedge, and even I can tell that nothing but the couch grass is going to grow here.

At least I understand why there are so many keys on the keyring the estate agent gave me now. I start with the big barn first, trying different keys in the rusty padlock until finally one turns.

The double doors are so heavy that it takes all my strength to haul them open, then I realise that I need the light from outside, so I have to let them close, find a stone fallen from the wall and kick it across to use as a prop when I’ve dragged them open again. As I stand in the doorway, panting from that tiny bit of effort, I’m surprised that a swarm of bats don’t swoop out. It looks like the kind of building that would have bats hibernating in it. The stench that hits me is damp rotting wood, rusty metal, and leaking petrol. It’s definitely a machine graveyard, because there’s a tractor and trailer parked in the middle, surrounded by other bits of metal machinery, none of which I can identify.

There are tools too – an array of shovels, spades, forks, rakes, and a huge pile of saws in all shapes and sizes. There are wooden holders nailed to the brick wall with long knives hanging from them in sheaths. A rusty push-along lawnmower. Shears, strimmers, hedge trimmers, and all manner of equipment that I don’t recognise.

I feel my confidence ebbing away as I step inside and wander around the damp barn. How the heck am I supposed to take an inventory if I don’t have a clue what half of this stuff is or what it’s used for?