‘You felt sorry for me?’

‘No, no. But I felt I could help you. And then it turned out that perhaps I couldn’t after all.’

‘But why now? It was years ago.’

‘There was so much going on. This country. Heading towards civil war …’

There was a silence in which the church bell clanged the half-hour.

Lena said, ‘I thought you loved me.’

‘You thought …’

‘I thought I was the one doing the favour.’

‘What do you mean?’ said Rudolf, pulling at his blue tie.

‘I saw you with your friends from Rebirth and how they admired you, but you didn’t seem to notice. And the girls, the women … they seemed to hang on your words. They used to stay on at the end of the meetings, pretending to rearrange the chairs, hoping you’d ask them out to dinner. But you never did. The only person you saw outside the meetings was me. And when you were with me you were like the man I’d first met, in the hospital. You were so … jolly. And you trusted me. You told me all about your plans and all about your father and how difficult that was. And your life on a higher plane, as you called it. All that politics I didn’t really understand about the private armies of the left and the right. And your belief in God, but not just any god, some god you’d put together from all the other ones. I was … enchanted. And I just thought you were struggling to tell me that you loved me. So I thought I’d make it easier for you.’

‘You imagined—’

‘I didn’t do it for myself. I gave myself to you because I thought it was what you wanted deep inside but were afraid to ask.’

‘I see.’

‘Of course, when I kissed you, then I did feel … then I thought there was something for me too. For a moment. It was like being drunk. I thought I could take some strength from you and that my life would change and become … light.’ Lena looked down at her feet. ‘It sounds ridiculous when I say it now.’

‘I’m sorry, Lena. I think we were at different points. It can happen. I told you about the first girl I fell in love with when—’

‘Don’t compare me to a child! To a schoolgirl in a pinafore.’

Rudolf stood up from the bed. ‘I understand that you’re angry. But life is full of missed connections, of bad timing. I want to put things right with you. I have really thought so much about you and how much I want to make amends.’

‘I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you’ve dreamed about me every night and woken up with tears on your face. I don’t think you’ve looked in desperation at every woman on the street, imploring her to be me somehow, inside. I think I’m just a … project for you. Like a pamphlet. Like the new land you’re advising the clinic about. I’m a way of passing the day.’