I’m not sure I’ve stopped crying since I drove through the gates of the cemetery, but the tears fall a little harder now.

Liv spreads out the blanket she always has in her trunk because we live in Colorado and she has a fear of being stuck in her car during a blizzard. Flanked by my closest friends, they take my hands as we sit on the blanket, staring at the headstone. They don’t pressure me to say anything and I soak in the comfort they give me until I’m ready to talk.

I take a deep breath, exhaling slowly before breaking the silence. “Quinton broke up with me.”

“We were able to piece together that much of the story,” Marie says. “Vonnie feels terrible because she told him about some event you’re planning and that’s why he got angry.”

Great. On top all of the hurt and confusion bouncing around my head, now I feel guilty too. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own feelings, I haven’t even thought that Vonnie would blame herself. As if she’s not already going through enough, I let her stew all this time, not telling her it had nothing to do with her.

“It wasn’t Vonnie’s fault that the event I was planning for Mahler was for Glenn Chandler.” I cringe a little bit at the gasp that comes from both sides of me. “I know, I should’ve quit the moment I knew it was him and I should’ve stopped making excuses for Mahler then. I just wanted so badly to not believe the worst. But I quit today.”

“You what?” Liv almost shouts. “I thought you loved that job!”

“I think I just loved the idea of the job. I loved thinking about what a kick out of it my dad would’ve gotten. But Mahler accused me of pulling the race card when I told him that I was offended by the racist shit Chandler has been quoted saying.” I look at them and know that the red in their cheeks isn’t just from the cold. “And one of the reasons Quinton said we couldn’t work things out was because he thinks I excuse racism. I just feel like I can’t win.” I stare ahead of me, but when neither of them says anything, I look between the two of them exchanging worried glances. “Do you think I excuse it?”

“It’s not that we think that you excuse it,” Liv says like I’m some skittish cat she’s approaching. “It’s just that you don’t seem to notice things.”

“Like what? How long have you thought this and not said anything?”