“I always wanted kids. Always. I know a lot of women feel pressured into having them, but not me. I couldn’t wait. So when I got pregnant with Jagger, and Justin got his first big contract, it made sense that I would stay home. Then Jax and Jett came and I couldn’t rationalize putting them all in daycare when they could be home with me. The thing is, as much as I’d always wanted to be a mom, I hate being a stay-at-home mom. But I can’t say that. What kind of ungrateful, terrible mom can have as much money as we do and still complain about the fucking privilege to be home with my kids and watch them grow? How could I? And when I mentioned wanting to maybe get back into work to Justin, he basically reiterated what I was already afraid people would think. That I should be happy not having to work and he didn’t want his boys gone when they could be with family.”

“That doesn’t make you a bad mom, Vonnie.” I’d been trying to stay quiet, but when I see the pain and self-loathing in her grimace, I can’t keep my mouth shut any longer. “You aren’t just a mom, having kids doesn’t mean you have to give up every single piece of yourself. Wanting to have the career you worked so hard for isn’t something you should feel guilty about.”

I don’t know if I want to have kids. It’s never been a goal of mine. I thought maybe I was broken and didn’t have any maternal instincts because my mom died when I was so young. But as I got older, I realized part of it was because the way society acts like child-rearing is the only purpose of women pissed me right off. And, growing up being raised by a single dad, I need a partner willing—and wanting—to do just as much work as the mom, which is hard to find.

“Thank you!” She spins on her heels to face me. Her tearstained cheeks are filled with color, but somehow, her eyeliner and mascara are still perfectly in place. “Just because I took his last name when we got married doesn’t mean I’m not still the same person I was before we met. Being married and a mom doesn’t take that away. But after so long at home, my résumé didn’t look as impressive and my independence had turned to dependence. I did the blogger thing for a while, but the Internet is scary and I wasn’t comfortable with it anymore. So I knew I had to wait. Once the kids were all in school, it would be my time, right? Motherhood is a series of seasons, and for this season, I could suck it up and be the best stay-at-home mom possible.”