and your castle and brotherhood are called the best,

the strongest men ever to mount the saddle, 260

the worthiest knights ever known to the world,

both in competition and true combat,

and since courtesy, so it’s said, is championed here,

I’m intrigued, and attracted to your door at this time.

Be assured by this hollin stem here in my hand

that I mean no menace. So expect no malice,

for if I’d slogged here tonight to slay and slaughter

my helmet and hauberk wouldn’t be at home

and my sword and spear would be here at my side,

and more weapons of war, as I’m sure you’re aware. 270

I’m clothed for peace, not kitted out for conflict.

But if you’re half as honourable as I’ve heard folk say

you’ll gracefully grant me this game which I ask for

by right.

Then Arthur answered, ‘Knight

most courteous, you claim

a fair, unarmoured fight.

We’ll see you have the same.’

‘I’m spoiling for no scrap, I swear. Besides,

the bodies on these benches are just bum-fluffed bairns. 280

If I’d ridden to your castle rigged out for a ruck

these lightweight adolescents wouldn’t last a minute.

But it’s Yuletide – a time of youthfulness, yes?

So at Christmas in this court I lay down a challenge:

if a person here present, within these premises,

is big or bold or red-blooded enough

to strike me one stroke and be struck in return,

I shall give him as a gift this gigantic cleaver

and the axe shall be his to handle how he likes.

I’ll kneel, bare my neck and take the first knock. 290

So who has the gall? The gumption? The guts?

Who’ll spring from his seat and snatch this weapon?

I offer the axe – who’ll have it as his own?

I’ll afford one free hit from which I won’t flinch,

and promise that twelve months will pass in peace,

then claim

the duty I deserve

in one year and one day.

Does no one have the nerve

to wager in this way?’ 300

Flustered at first, now totally foxed

were the household and the lords, both the highborn and the low.

Still stirruped, the knight swivelled round in his saddle

looking left and right, his red eyes rolling

beneath the bristles of his bushy green brows,

his beard swishing from side to side.

When the court kept its counsel he cleared his throat

and stiffened his spine. Then he spoke his mind:

‘So here is the House of Arthur‚’ he scoffed,

‘whose virtues reverberate across vast realms. 310

Where’s the fortitude and fearlessness you’re so famous for?

And the breathtaking bravery and the big-mouth bragging?

The towering reputation of the Round Table,

skittled and scuppered by a stranger – what a scandal!

You flap and you flinch and I’ve not raised a finger!’

Then he laughed so loud that their leader saw red.

Blood flowed to his fine-featured face and he raged

inside.

His men were also hurt –