Most of my first day back at Crenshaw goes exactly the same as the morning. I shuffle my way through the hallways, looking down, trying to remember how to navigate the labyrinth of classrooms. A handful of kids recognize me and smile. Another handful of kids recognize me and scowl. Mostly I’m ignored, which is perfectly fine with me. The less attention I draw to myself, the better.

A lot of my classrooms overlook the big expanse of green grass behind the school, and I find myself just staring at it and then my watch, counting down the hours and then minutes before I’m back on the field. It has been an embarrassingly long time since I’ve held a football or dug my cleats into the grass.

“Why don’t you try out for the team here?” Frankie asked me one summer afternoon before tenth grade. She was rocking back and forth, holding a three-month-old Coley up on her shoulder in our cramped apartment.

“I don’t really miss it,” I lied, watching the way my niece’s curls already framed her tiny little face as she fussed against the crook of her mother’s neck. I knew that playing football again was going to take up every second of my free time. And there was no way I was going to leave Frankie to care for Coley all by herself. Ma was always so exhausted when she got home from work that Frankie tried not to ask her to help out with Coley too much. Frankie was alone with the baby all day long while she finished high school online. Helping out with Coley, feeding her, and playing with her when I got home from school was the least I could do. There was no way I could tell Frankie that. She would have felt guilty and tried to force me to try out for the team anyway.

The truth was that I missed football every day. Just like I missed Julian every day. When Coach Marcus decided a monthlong suspension was what I needed after I broke the window to his office, Ma started packing up the house. Frankie was the only person who ever knew why I was trying to break into the coach’s office. I sometimes wonder if Coach Marcus would’ve suspended me if he’d known I was trying to steal the car wash money for Frankie and the baby.