‘You wrote me off, didn’t you? That was stupid. You shouldn’t have done that.’ She takes another drag. ‘I’m here to be humorous. It’s my “comeback special.” They made me call it that. Have you ever heard of anything so dumb?’ She rolls her eyes. She exhales and bats the smoke out of her face. She takes a sip of her wine. ‘Okay, so a girl walks into a bar,’ she says, smiling. ‘Wait, that’s not right, let me start again.’

Lucy exits. She does a silly little dance as she struts back in. ‘Okay, so a girl walks into a bar.’ She points her cigarette at the audience. She keeps a smile on her face throughout. ‘I know what you’re up to. I mean you guys act all innocent, like you just came here to see a girl tell a few jokes, but I’m not so sure about you sick fucks.’ The audience laughs, appreciating being called sick fucks. Lucy takes another sip of her wine. She claps her hands. ‘So a girl walks into a bar.’ She thinks for a few seconds. ‘Wait, let me start again.’

Lucy exits and dances back in with a newly lit cigarette. ‘Okay,’ she says, ‘I’m ready to go now.’ She hits the side of her wine glass. ‘It’s hot up here, isn’t it?’ she says, as if it has just occurred to her. ‘So what have you guys been up to?’ She gestures at the audience. ‘Just taking it easy? Relaxing?’ She nods. ‘Cool. See my problem with all of you, and this has always been my problem, is that I just don’t like any of you very much and I never have, you bunch of pricks.’ The audience laughs again at the insult. ‘I don’t think you came out here to hear me be funny at all. I think you came out to hear some pain. You don’t care what it is exactly, but you want it. You’re so competitive about it. And I just think—fuck you, you know.’ She takes a long drink. ‘You never, ever get tired, do you? You take one look at me and you need to know I’ve been punished.’

Natasha enters, dressed as a stagehand, and takes the cigarette and drink off Lucy. She puts her hand on Lucy’s shoulder before she walks off.

‘Well, you asked,’ Lucy says. ‘You want to know. So here it is.’

She moves to put her hand on the microphone stand, but Natasha swoops in and takes the microphone stand away. Lucy grabs at the microphone before she can take it.