‘Me too,’ Natasha said.

‘I know from my travels that the world is wilder than they have led us to believe in there.’

‘It’s a terrible world,’ Professor Carr said. ‘Terrible.’

‘Natasha, do you know he’s married?’ Lucy asked.

‘I am,’ Professor Carr said. ‘It’s a personal thing so I didn’t mention it.’

Natasha pictured herself at Professor Carr’s funeral, in the back, in head-to-toe black. A harlot. Their relationship was even less pleasant than she thought it was.

‘Natasha,’ Lucy asked, ‘has anyone ever made a speech in your honour?’

‘No. I’m considered too ridiculous.’

In one swift motion, Lucy kicked off her shoes and clambered up on the table, knocking over cutlery and several glasses. ‘Whoops,’ she said. ‘There are a lot of knives and forks on this table.’ She took a long swig from the nearest bottle. ‘Excuse me, excuse me,’ she announced to the restaurant, ‘I would like to make a speech.’

‘Oh good,’ Professor Carr said, ‘a speech.’

The diners turned to face Lucy. She swung her dirty coat.

‘To Natasha,’ she said, ‘when she first came to this college, she met a religious boy.’

Someone in the restaurant groaned.

‘But he was a dud,’ Lucy said. ‘He wouldn’t listen to anybody and when he kissed he did this with his tongue.’ Lucy opened her mouth and jerked her tongue furiously.

‘It’s true. He did,’ Natasha added.

‘There’s no reason on earth to stay with a man like that,’ Lucy continued. ‘In the beginning I didn’t understand Natasha but then I read her emails and I realised she’s an irreplaceable person.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Are you sure you read the right emails?’ Professor Carr asked.

‘So put your glasses up for Natasha now. She’s had it tough.’ She paused. ‘Now!’

The diners put down their cutlery and raised their glasses. ‘To Natasha,’ Lucy said sweetly. ‘To Natasha,’ the restaurant chorused. Lucy stepped down and climbed back into the booth.

‘How do you know everything about me?’

‘I’m done,’ Lucy said. ‘Goodnight lady, goodnight gentleman. Let’s do this again sometime.’ She threw herself face first onto her plate and began drooling.

Professor Carr and Natasha sat in silence. Their relationship was destroyed beyond repair. Natasha thought about her patience and her self-control, and how all of that was useless to her now.

‘Well,’ Professor Carr said.

‘Is she okay? Does she do this a lot?’

‘I only met her for the first time tonight too,’ he said. ‘I think she’s asleep. She has a head full of dreams.’

‘Should we help her?’

‘She will be fine.’

He squeezed Natasha’s arm gently before he stood and went to the bathroom. Natasha surveyed the wreckage around her, the broken glass, the empty bottles, the destruction. She felt like she might have just attended a party? Her first ever party. There was even a girl passed out beside her; a hopeless corpse.

The corpse opened one blue eye. Natasha screamed. ‘Is he gone?’ Lucy asked.

She lifted her head off the plate and sighed deeply. She seemed suddenly sober. ‘Do you think he’s going to be talking when he gets back?’