Sebastian comes and stands quietly by me, a shield from the rest of the expeditioners. I feel an absolute connection as we stand side by side. I want to turn and bury my head in the warmth of his chest, but I don’t.

In our Hobart hotel room my mum rubs at the crease between my eyebrows, she kneads it and kneads it as if she’s trying to rub it away. I crumple and weep for the loss of the possibility of Max, for what was ahead for the two of us. Mum holds me in her arms and rocks me and rubs my back as if she’s trying to draw the pain from deep in my bones. She tells me she’d do anything to take on my hurt, to spare me. On her cheeks are tears stained grey by mascara and I look at her close and realise she’s always been there for me and I feel like I’m only just recognising it.

I ring my father. I ask him to come down to Hobart to see me. He says he’s busy. I ask him to come and see me in Sydney when he returns. He says he’s flat out with work. I tell him I need him. He tells me to get out to the lake some time and sit still for a while and look at the moon. He tells me I have to pull myself together, I have to toughen up, I have to be dignified with my grieving. He says who is this bloke anyway?

I hang up.

My period’s due and it hasn’t come. The stress of the morning shift has mucked it up for ages but it’s never been as late as this. My mum tells me it’s probably the shock. A cold’s come on too. I’m all snivelly and runny from my nose, it’s as if my whole body’s crying.

The stern woman from the Antarctic Division rings. She tells me there’s a service at the Division in three days’ time. She asks if I’d like to come along. There’s a pause.

‘How are you coping anyway?’

‘Oh, oh, I’m not too good.’

My voice wobbles out of control and there’s a sudden, fierce compassion from the woman which takes me by surprise.

‘I’m going to arrange a counsellor. The Antarctic Division has a service it uses. I want you to see someone. I think you need it.’

She gives me her home phone number and tells me to ring any time I need to, day or night and I hang up and there are tears in my eyes with the kindness of it.