‘Oh yes?’ I ask, my heart sinking. What was it going to be, the grisly revelation that I was about to hear? After all, there are numerous possibilities. Was Lulu going to ‘share’ that Jesse Marlon had been cheating on me? That Jesse Marlon was the rapist? That Pierre had been cheating on me? That – aaagh -Virginie had been cheating on me?

Mimi and I both swivel eyeballs to look at Lulu. She pours herself some charcoal-filtrated spring water, and seems to extend her moment in the spotlight. But it is none of the above.

‘I’m afraid Ceci has got a boyfriend,’ she says, choosing her words with care. I don’t like the sound of this at all. Why would Lulu be afraid? What is it she is trying to say?

‘What did you say?’ I ask, even though I’d heard perfectly well. Ceci – my one, perfect daughter, who has never watched television, or eaten sugar, let alone processed flour, not at home at any rate, of whom I have high hopes of the art scholarship to Marlborough. Ceci, my perfect daughter, who’s only thirteen!

‘And it’s Spike,’ adds Lulu.

‘But we love Spike,’ protests Mimi.

‘Yes, and so does Ceci, apparently.’

‘Exactly what do you mean by that, Lulu?’ I ask, deciding that I’d never liked Lulu and it was a terrible mistake to have included her in our girlie spa day.

‘Well, I know. Ceci and Spike use Jesse Marlon’s, while he’s doing your garden, or whatever it is he does at the Dairy’ – Lulu has a meaningful sneer on her face at this point – ‘and they do it by the fire. They just let themselves in. She – well, the person who told me – found condoms. I presume they were bio-degradeable.’

‘That’s not funny,’ I yelp. ‘Just how do you know this, Lulu? It’s Sophy again, isn’t it?’ I had seen Sophy’s face every time I trudged through the mud to Jesse Marlon’s house. She used to watch us, from the opening of her yurt. I gave her a bottle of groundnut oil. I thought she didn’t mind about me and Jesse Marlon. I mean, she’s supposed to be a hippie, not a gold-plated bunny-boiler.

I am in shock about Ceci. Just hearing the word ‘condoms’ makes me feel sick. I want to throttle Lulu.

‘You’re right, it was Sophy. She called me, very upset,’ Lulu says, smugly. ‘She seemed upset, as if Ceci was leading Spike on. You can’t blame her, I suppose.’

‘What on earth do you mean by that, Lulu?’ Mimi comes in to bat for me, cold as ice.