‘So Mum. Is that what passes for fun in West Dorset?’ asks Cas, who, like Mirabel, has zero tolerance for the hey-nonny-no aspects of rural life. We are trudging back to the car, occasionally passing a yonder peasant gathering fu-uuu-el or picking berries. ‘If we were back in London, I could be doing nets at Lords with my friends from school, or in the Portobello.’ He echoes my thoughts. ‘Instead we’re paying to see a bunch of hippies and join in something called a herb walk, followed by a herb work party, in which we get to “meet” ’ – Cas’s fingers waggle the inverted commas around the verb – ‘wild weeds and medicinal plants. The only upside is that none of my old friends can see me now. Thanks a bunch, Mum.’

When we get back, and after lunch, I remember. The au pair job! After Ana left, the children had solemnly made representations to me and explained that they would prefer not to have anyone at all. Even if that meant that I was in a bad mood all the time. I had hugged my secret – that I was going to find them a godlike Aussie – close to my chest. There should be scads of replies, by now.

Eagerly, I open my inbox, leaving the lunch things piled by the sink, as if in anticipation of an extra pair of willing hands to tackle them.

I have forty-six new messages. Yippee!

Hello!
My name’s Slawek Im 24 and I am graduated the university last year – English – that is why my english is fluent yesll love children, animals, I am very active a non-smoking person loving going to cinemas strolling around and working on computers. My english is also fluent in computers and internet–I use it at home I come from Poland and Im looking for some job like helping peoples, childrens like taking care, as for man Im good with all house duties: loundry, ironing, and so on apart from cooking;) I have also clear Drive licence. Looking for some Job.
Best regards
Slawek

I click open the next one.

i am monica from spain and i am very interesting to travel london the soon as posible, my first language is Spanish but i want to make better my english… i am very spotty, honest and lovely
girl!!
Monica

Wondering whether they’re replying to the wrong ad, I go back to the Gumtree website and check what I have written. In bold capitals, my ad does say what I thought it did about English as first language and that I wanted a boy.

I return to my inbox with a sense of doom.

As I open the next one, I of course realize the following catch-22 of my own, carefully worded ad: if the applicant, Dragolbug, Bogdan, or whoever, doesn’t speak English, then my stipulation for a sporty – or even a spotty – Anglophone male will, necessarily, pass him or her by.