When the vicar invited Ben to give the eulogy, he stood up shakily and made his way to the lectern. After swallowing several times, he started to speak in a trembling voice. ‘My dad was my best friend,’ he began. ‘He never, ever let me down and was always there when I needed him.’ I stared straight ahead, resolutely resisting the urge to yell out that his father had let him down in ways that were unimaginable.

‘And I honestly don’t know how any of us are going to cope with losing him.’ Tears rolled down his cheeks and when he opened his mouth to speak again, he emitted a loud sob, before breaking down completely. To my surprise, I felt the tears welling up in my own eyes, not out of sympathy for Ben but because I felt sorry for myself. Why the hell did Peter have to die?

Matt stood up and walked calmly towards the altar. I watched him with a murderous glare. Trust him to act like the conquering hero. ‘Would you like me to continue for you?’ he asked Ben, who was weeping like a baby.

Ben nodded, so Matt took the paper he was holding and read the eulogy without faltering. When he had finished, they looked at each other and Ben mouthed, ‘thank you’ as the two of them walked back to their seats.

I looked down, unable to meet Ben’s eye or offer him any kind of comfort. ‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ he whispered, as he sat back down. ‘I just couldn’t do it.’

‘I know, darling, we all understand,’ she replied, taking his hand in hers. She didn’t let go for the rest of the service. At the end, we all filed out, with everyone ignoring Elodie and me. It was as if we were invisible. I stood off to one side and watched, as the mourners fussed around Jo, offering her their condolences. Yet again, I thought about how much trouble I could cause with just a few words.

Matt, Freya and Charlotte all came out together. Matt tried to catch my eye but I pretended not to see and focused on Elodie instead.

Jo reached out and gave Matt a hug. ‘Thank you so much for helping Ben, Matt. It means the world to us.’

Matt hugged her back. ‘We’ll always be here for him, Jo. And for you and Emma, too. Don’t ever forget that.’

He had pointedly not mentioned me and was speaking loud enough for me to hear. I smiled inwardly. He wouldn’t be having anything to do with me in future, so I couldn’t have cared less.

The burial was supposed to be family only, so the plan was for Ben, Jo and Emma to go in the funeral car and I would again drive Elodie in our car. But as I started the engine and prepared to follow the cortege, I changed my mind. I had no desire to see Peter lowered into a hole in the ground and I didn’t think it was appropriate for Elodie, either. So instead, I turned off the road and took a detour past the house Ben and I were supposed to be buying.