When you really need them,

Like children,

They disappear.

Maybe tomorrow would be a good day. Maybe … maybe … He was home.

No one was speaking that evening. His mother put the food on the table and they ate in silence. Dad read the paper and coughed from time to time. He ate nothing. His face was pale and small beads of sweat gathered on his forehead and clung to the sides of his nose. Brendan didn’t appear. Mam sighed and glanced at the clock from time to time. His food dried in the oven. Joe did his homework and went to bed.

The next morning he got up when he heard his mother going down the stairs. He got dressed quickly and had his hand on the door when Brendan spoke.

‘Joe.’

‘Yes.’

‘Tell Mam I’ll be down soon for breakfast.’

‘You’re early.’

‘I’m packing in the job.’

He sounded as if he were trying out the words for the first time.

‘Oh.’

‘You don’t sound surprised.’

‘What’ll you do?’

He went over to the bed and looked down at his brother. It always seemed strange to him that people who had been asleep always smelt differently to those who had been up and walking round a while.

‘Do for money, I mean.’

‘Money.’ Brendan laughed.

‘Mam …’

‘Don’t you say a word to her. Do you hear? I’ll tell her in my own way. In my own time … and him.’

‘Why?’

‘I hadn’t worked it out … you know, to the end. I can’t explain … it’s not even very clear to me, I always saw myself carrying on where he left off …’

‘He? You mean Dad?’

‘Yes. Yes. It was all like some sort of dream. Then when they gave me a gun … I was not the right person any more. I’ve gone ahead with it … only now … It was the gun finished me off. I wouldn’t be any use to them … to anyone really … I feel wrecked. Jesus.’

‘What’ll you do?’

‘Get out. Go back. I hate that … but … Get a job. Keep my mouth shut.’

‘Kathleen …’

‘Yes?’

‘That’s a great girl. A girl …’

The bed in the next room creaked under the movement of their father. The boys listened in silence for a moment.

‘I told her everything.’ Brendan whispered so softly that Joe had to lean forward to catch his words. She didn’t want to know, a voice was crying in his head.

‘She … she’s … kind …’

‘What did you tell her?’

‘Never you mind, kiddo, what I told her. She listened. I’ve never met a girl like her before.’

Brendan smiled to himself.

‘I’m just telling you because you were great, and I wouldn’t want to go without saying anything. She said …’

‘Go?’

‘Aye. I’ll go maybe today. She’s lending me a few pounds till I get started.’

‘Oh.’