When she came back there were tears stinging at her eyes, but she didn't let herself cry. She had to think. Howie had gotten drunk because he needed more than the fake friendship she'd been telling herself they had. If she couldn't tell him she loved him, he would be out of her life for good. And he'd be right.

Carrie took out her phone and started to punch in Zoe's number. Then she put the phone away. She wasn't going to cry, and she wasn't going to lean on her best friend yet again. She went back to the couch and looked at the basket on the coffee table.

Why do I always feel like I'm settling for an empty basket when I want one that's full? Why can't I let myself be happy? What would life be like without Howie?

Carrie picked up the basket. Maybe she'd buy a plant to put in it. She'd never tried to grow a plant before. She put the basket down and walked into her bedroom, Howie had stopped snoring and he was sprawled out on top of the covers. She watched him for a moment. She'd stuck to her decision about not marrying him. Would she have changed her mind if Rose hadn't gotten sick? She'd wondered about that. Not that it mattered. Rose had gotten sick, and Carrie couldn't have betrayed her.

And that's how Mother would have seen it. She would have thought I was abandoning everything she believed in. So I didn't.

But Carrie had asked Howie to be her friend. That was the only way she could stay with her decision. And now he was saying he couldn't do that anymore. She lay down next to him on the bed. He didn't move.

“I said I wouldn't marry you because I didn't want to hurt you,” she whispered. “But that was bullshit.” She stroked his cheek with her finger, but Howie still didn't move. He was going to have one hell of a hangover when he woke up. “I couldn't let my mother down.” Carrie hoisted herself up on her elbow. “In spite of everything—all the awards she got and the good things she did—I always knew there was something broken inside her. I thought I had to fix it. That was bullshit too, but I believed it. Now I need to know what went wrong for her. I know more than I did—but there's still a big piece missing.” She got up off the bed and stood next to it. “I hate sounding like a mental health manual, but Zoe says I need closure and she's right. There's just one thing I have to do. Please wait for me.”

She started out of the room, but when she reached the door a voice came at her from the darkness. “About the waiting thing—how long did you have in mind?” Howie asked. “I have to get back to work by Monday.”