It’s quiet for another minute. Just rain and wine. And the comfortable warmth of sitting next to a good friend in the dark.

“I think I’m fucked, Av,” Lex admits after he takes a particularly long drink. He sighs into the damp air. “I’m falling really hard.”

“Jude’s adorable,” I say. “It’d be hard not to.”

“I’m trying to just enjoy it, you know? Like, I don’t want to worry about what happens later. But it’s like, every second we’re together, I’m counting down.” He passes the wine in my direction. “Eighteen days to go.” I watch him lean down to pick bits of wet grass off his ankles, and it reminds me of my first morning here. Waking up with that mud and grass in my sheets. I shiver, and Lex looks at me. “Seriously. You okay?” I nod. Scoot a little closer to him on the picnic table. He slips an arm around me, and I let my head fall against his shoulder. “How are things with Cole?”

“I think maybe I could fall in love with him, Lex. For real.” I stare down at the weathered boards of the porch and wonder why I just said that out loud. Because I didn’t even know I’d been thinking it until the words came out of my mouth. I look back up at Lex. “I’ve never been in love before.” I see him taking that all in. “I mean, I’m not saying I’m in love with him after a week and two days. I’m not stupid. I’m not that girl. Jesus. I don’t wanna be that girl. I just think maybe I could be. In love with Cole. Eventually. The potential is there.” Lex is still looking at me. “Oh shit.” I giggle. “I think I’m drunk.”

Lex laughs, then fishes around in his bag and digs out a pack of cigarettes. “Just one left,” he says. “We’ll have to share.” He pulls out a little box of matches to light it up, and I remember I still have his lighter. He takes a drag before passing it over to me.

I pull the smoke into my lungs. Breathe it out. Cough. “I think I’m starting to remember things,” I tell him.

Lex takes the cigarette from my fingers. I watch him suck in and hold it. “About your mom?” He lets the smoke out in a slow exhale.

“Yeah. Nothing big. Just little bits, you know? Stuff from that summer here, mostly. Before she died.” I’m thinking about the stars falling into the sea. Cole’s voice in the dark. “But some of it doesn’t make sense. It’s confusing. Like it’s all out of order or something.”

Lex sighs. “Everything’s fucking confusing.”