“Yes, I want it!” The confession rushes out of me with the force of a winter wind. I launch out of my chair and pace the room. “I can’t describe what it’s like, Amber. It’s like I’m missing a limb, or—”

“Part of your soul?” she says, finishing for me.

My throat constricts. “Fleur’s my soul.” She’s the only piece of me I can’t live without. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself. Only, lately, I feel like part of me is dying, and I’m not entirely sure anymore.

“Your smaze is more than just the power Gaia granted you. It lived inside of you. It became part of you. Bits of you still exist inside it—your memories, your spirit. You’re feeling a void for a reason, Jack. Because there is one.”

“Maybe there should be. I’ve seen my smaze. It’s messed up, Amber. It’s twisted and angry and dark as a hailstorm. What if I set that thing loose inside me and it tears us apart?” I sink into my chair and prop my elbows on the desk, bringing my face close to the camera. If anyone should remember what that darkness looks like, it’s Amber. The first thing I did after taking Névé’s magic was threaten Amber’s life. But any grudges she held are long gone. Her full lips are only pursed with worry now.

“Have you talked to Fleur?”

“It came up,” I say, scrubbing my face. “It didn’t go well.”

Amber raises an eyebrow.

“I can’t blame Fleur for being upset. She chose me to be her Handler—her caretaker and her protector. I can’t push that aside and say her choices don’t matter.” I should never have asked her to go back to the Observatory. Should never have even considered it, knowing how she’d feel about it. I rake both hands through my hair, leaving them buried in the tangled, sweaty mess of it. “I don’t know, Amber. We both want the same thing—to keep each other safe—but it feels like we’re doing it all wrong. We can’t seem to find any balance.”

Amber chews on her lip. “Maybe Julio was right. A camping trip might not be the worst idea.”

I press the heels of my hands into my eyes. “You lost me.”

“Maybe you and Fleur need to get off the grid for a while. You know, go back to the last place where you did feel balanced.”