“No, it’s not.” He sighs, scrubbing a hand over his stubble. “You and Fleur deserve this much. I’ll speak with Gaia. Perhaps we can come up with a plan. Let’s revisit this when we meet again for our call next week.”

I give a shallow nod, unable to shake the feeling that there’s something he’s not telling me. “Are you sure you’re okay, Professor?”

“Just tired.” He forces a smile. “I’m fine.”

“Still teaching?” I press him.

“Much to Gaia’s dismay. She’s concerned I’m trying to do too much. To be too much, perhaps.”

“Maybe she’s right.” My eyes dart to the orb in the corner of the screen. The clear globe rests in its usual place on a brass pedestal on Lyon’s desk. The smaze inside that orb is mine, the shadowy mist a host for my former magic, entrusted to Lyon for safekeeping when I chose to give my life for our cause. Lyon’s magic had once been trapped in a globe like this one—magic he’d willingly given up in order to be closer to Gaia, then given up again to take up a much heavier mantle.

I turn away from the screen before my longing gives me away.

“I swore an oath to you, Jack. I’ll keep it safe.” Lyon rests a hand on the curvature of the glass. “I owe you an immeasurable debt. If you ever again wish for your magic, you need only to ask.”

The gray smaze whips inside the glass, hungry to get out. But reclaiming my magic would come with a price.

My magic’s not the same as it was. Gaia sensed it when it left me, that there was something wrong with it, angry and dark. She speculated that the most tortured parts of my soul—all my worst fears and resentments, the most painful bits of my deepest and most horrible memories—hitched a ride with it on its way out of me, as if it knew that was the only way I would ever survive what I’d been through. But I’ve always wondered if it was something more. If the darkness in that smaze isn’t because of something I’ve gone through, but something I’ve done. And the fact that I still ache to have it back in spite of that troubles me more than anything else about it.

“There is a way to make peace with it, Jack. Facing your demons may be the first step to forgiving yourself. Gaia and I said it would be painful. We never said it was impossible.”

I push that thought back into a deep corner of my mind.