Chapters (45)
- Cover
- Dedication
- Pulse
- ONE
- TWO
- THREE
- FOUR
- FIVE
- SIX
- SEVEN
- EIGHT
- NINE
- TEN
- ELEVEN
- TWELVE
- THIRTEEN
- FOURTEEN
- FIFTEEN
- SIXTEEN
- SEVENTEEN
- EIGHTEEN
- NINETEEN
- TWENTY
- TWENTY–ONE
- TWENTY–TWO
- TWENTY–THREE
- TWENTY–FOUR
- TWENTY–FIVE
- TWENTY–SIX
- TWENTY–SEVEN
- TWENTY–EIGHT
- TWENTY–NINE
- THIRTY
- THIRTY–ONE
- THIRTY–TWO
- THIRTY–THREE
- THIRTY–FOUR
- THIRTY–FIVE
- THIRTY–SIX
- THIRTY–SEVEN
- THIRTY–EIGHT
- ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
- RESOURCES
- ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- What’s next onyour reading list?
He nodded a thanks. “Here’s the thing: my mom didn’t exactly want me to come but she’s the reason I’m here.” He faced forward and rubbed his hands together. “See, after, my little sister had nightmares. For weeks. She slept in my room and would wake up each night like it suddenly hit her. ‘We don’t have a mom anymore,’ she said one time. Shit, I was ten, and I didn’t know what to say, so I said something like, ‘I’ll be such a good big brother that you won’t even notice one day.’ My grandma had moved in by then and my sister’s crying must have woken her. She came in and said, ‘And I’ll be such a good grandma, that you’ll notice every day your mom is gone, but some of those days, you won’t notice quite as much.’ And she was right.” He ran his hand through his hair again. “Always felt guilty for saying that. Like a betrayal to my mom for what I said to my sister and to my grandma for her hearing it—like I didn’t appreciate what she gave up to come help raise us.”
“Eric, that’s not . . . You didn’t mean it like that. You were just trying to help.”
“I know.” His eyes lowered. “It’s just . . . my grandma shouldn’t still be clocking in every day on the pediatrics floor and my dad shouldn’t be working two jobs, but they are. A couple of years ago, I looked up top-paying jobs straight out of college, and developer was one of them.”
“That’s why you started coding?”
“Yeah, didn’t realize how much I’d dig it though. So I’m here for them, all of them, but I’m here for me. You need to be here for you, Delia. And you need to know that that’s okay. It’s the only way to push through the rest of it. Trust me.”
He stood and reached for her wrist. “Come up here.”
It wasn’t until Eric’s skin was against hers that she realized she was shaking. He pulled her close and cupped his hand around both of hers.
“I wasn’t always able to talk about this stuff as easily,” he said. “What helped get me here, well, I’ll spare you the ones that didn’t work, but my grandma sorted through her mental Rolodex until she landed on a sort of mantra that helped me keep my emotions in check.” Eric stepped back and released her hands. “Now, I’m going to say it before I ask you to repeat it, so you can get your snickering out—”
“I won’t laugh at you, Eric.”