He shook his head, though it wasn’t a refusal.

“It’s not just the sex. It’s…it’s this.” He waved his hand around my apartment.

Bare white walls, cheap ratty couch, strewn plastic toys. I just looked at him.

“I want you. I want this.” He gestured between us in frustration, maybe at me for asking the question, maybe at himself for not being able to answer.

“Oh, Colin.”

He hid behind a thicker skin than I could ever hope to breach. The only reason I was seeing this was because he’d let me in. I fell in love with him a little right then, as he sat, so large and competent yet so vulnerable. I wanted him for my own, and that wanting was like a chant in my head. A greedy, futile chant.

“Maybe there is something special between us,” I finally said, “but it’s just too hard. I’ve got so much baggage I could sink the Titanic, and you…well, you have your own baggage, don’t you?”

Maybe I was being mean, I thought, as I watched his defenses tighten up again right in front of my eyes. Sometimes mean was good. Sometimes mean was the difference between survival and going under.

“Don’t put this on me, Allie. I’m not the one too scared to give this a shot.”

“No, you’re just the one who’s part of a violent, tiny mob family who goes around beating people up for fun.” We had both raised our voices, angry that this wasn’t going to work and yet unable to fix it.

“I can’t believe you’re mad about that. That guy was an asshole who hurt you. He deserved what he got.”

“That’s not the point. It’s not up to you. Did you ever think of what would happen if he got angry with me and tried to hurt me back? I was at the clinic with Bailey when I saw him.”

“I made it clear he wasn’t to touch you ever again. Besides, you should have called me if you needed to go to the clinic.”

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, please. I’ll just call you whenever I need anything at all.”

“I would have come with you.”

“Yeah, unless you were doing something for your brother.”

His nostrils flared, but he didn’t respond.

“It seems to me like you’re the one who’s stuck in the past. If you want to be with me and Bailey, fine. Then stop doing dangerous things that could come back on us.”

“You can’t ask me to give up my family.”

“I’m not asking for that. You can see him all you want, just don’t do anything illegal for him, anything violent.”

“It’s the same thing.”

“Then what kind of family is that? He just wants you for what you can do for him.”