“What’s the first thing you want to do when we get to California?” Jamey asked. She had shoved her fists in the pockets of her coat and was propped on her elbows, leaning back to look at the stars. When I didn’t answer, she said, “I want to swim in the ocean.”

I pushed my hands deep into my own pockets. I felt the heaviness there. “It might be too cold to swim, Jamey.”

“Well, I want to see the ocean. I want Starla to see it. She’s already seen more than I ever thought I would.” Violence, hunger, depravity, I thought, but Jamey said, “West Virginia, Virginia, Tennessee,” ticking off the state names like we were on vacation.

“I want to find my mama. I want to get her free from her boyfriend.”

“You and everybody else.” She didn’t look at me. “What do you think is gonna happen when we get out there?”

“I think I’m gonna find her and that we should strike out on our own. We can make it work—the four of us women. We have shelter, wheels, a way to keep warm. We just need to hunt and chop wood. We can do that anywhere.”

“Well, not anywhere. The beach don’t have trees. Well, palm trees.”

“We can grow them ourselves. Mama is the fastest trimmer. We can grow vegetables for food. Sell or trade the extra. I can grow anything. Lobo taught me. And—” I paused “—I’m better at it than him.”

“I know you are,” she said. “Why do you think Jake kept you around? Tried to keep you all there? He didn’t want your damn house. He didn’t want you to dance. No offense, but there are plenty of girls to dance, better dancers than you, I bet. Jake wanted a grower.”

Jake knew my secret.

At any other time, I might have been upset: my family’s identity spilled open on the floor. But secrets seemed not to matter anymore. A lot seemed not to matter.

Of course he knew. How would he not know. We had grow lights in the back, weed ground into the seams of the truck, crushed into powder on the floor mats. I was sure I smelled of it still. I would smell of weed forever: my winter gear, my boots, my skin. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t smoked, that none of us had on the trip. It was in me.