Dedication

To my husband, the possessive bastard.

Without you, Shadow Beast would be missing a few of his personality traits, and that would be a true tragedy.

This book is our love story… if we suddenly woke up in a PNR.

I love you. Most of the time.

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Shadow Realm and Library of Knowledge Maps

Map

1

A broken mind and a fractured soul. Was there redemption or relief from the endless darkness? Or would I continue to dwell on the bane of my existence?

I reread the final line of the book in my hand. A paranormal romance I’d loved, despite the somewhat evil cliffhanger it ended on—I had hate-love for cliffys because I was desperate to know what was going to happen next, but there was also this thrill of the unknown that kept me thinking about the story long after I finished reading.

Either way, it had been such a great book, temporarily keeping my mind off the shitshow of my life.

“Girl! There you are!”

Sucking in a deep breath, I tried not to lose my shit over the fact that someone had discovered my hiding spot by the lake. Not just someone… Sisily Longeran. Former enemy and current frenemy, which was both confusing and annoying. Par for the course these days.

Ever since I’d woken in Torin’s bed a week ago with a decent chunk of memory loss, life had been topsy-turvy. Case in point: Sisily, the shifter who had fucked my true mate in front of me while asking for my death, was now my new “best friend.”

With friends like these…

“Meeerrss.” She annoyingly dragged my name out as she collapsed next to me. Her eyes rested briefly on the blue typographic cover that sat on my leg. “Really? You’re still reading? I don’t get it.”

She really didn’t, and that in and of itself was my first warning that I would never have been friends with this lunatic.

“Books legitimately saved my life,” I reminded her. “When my dad was killed.”

Sisily paled; no one liked to discuss my previous place of torture in the pack. No one liked to acknowledge that because I was mated to the alpha now.

I was the alpha-mate.

A title that sent a chill down my spine.

“Torin’s looking for you,” she said, changing the subject as she ruffled a hand through her mahogany hair. It continued to drift around her pretty face in the light breezes of the spring air, and seriously, how the fuck was it spring? The last I remembered, winter had been choking the life from Torma.

“He’s the damn alpha,” I snarled. “If he wanted to find me, I have no doubt he could have just strolled out of his own ego and discovered me right where you did.”

Torin was trying to wait me out since I wouldn’t go near him, sleep in his bed, or otherwise acknowledge his existence until I got to the bottom of what had caused me to forget all of the very dramatic events that had happened to Torma over the past few years.

My memory was patchy, but from what I’d managed to pry from Torin, I was missing more than just a few months. When I’d woken up, I’d remembered my first shift, Torin’s rejection, and nothing else beyond that. But that wasn’t even where it got really weird because it turned out that all of that didn’t happen in the year 2020 as I’d expected. Nope. Apparently, just before the 2020 Winter Solstice, Victor, our former alpha, had pissed off the shifter god, Shadow Beast, getting himself killed and all of Torma locked down in a two-year stasis.

I came out of this stasis with everyone else in 2022, shifted for the first time, and got rejected, which I remembered, but then the rest was blank after that. So, technically, I was missing two years and two months of time, with only one day of memory in there—my first shift and Torin’s rejection.

How did any of that make fucking sense? No wonder my head ached consistently as I tried to drag memories back that I believed had been stolen from me. “Tell me again where my mom, Simone, and Glendra are,” I said to Sisily, hoping that this time, she would trip up and reveal the lies. “Torin told me that all of Torma was locked in the stasis, so why are those three missing now?”

She leaned in with a smile like we were about to gossip. “It’s so weird to me that you can’t remember anything from the last few months. Like… how?”

I glared at her, wishing I could forget her existence just as easily.

“Anyway,” she continued, not caring that I hated her, “your mom ran away and we think she’s shacked up with a loser in the Alikta pack.” I found it hard to believe that my mom had sobered up enough to do that, but it wasn’t completely out of the realm of possibilities. “And Simone…” Sisily said, wrinkling her nose. “She took off right after the stasis was lifted, on some sort of vacation she had been planning for years. I don’t know the details. We were never friends. But she’s perfectly fine.” This part boiled my damn blood because Simone would never take off on a “vacation” without me. And why the hell was her phone going straight to voicemail? Her parents assured me she was fine, just as Sisily had said. They told me they talked to her every few days, and they passed on my worries. They told me Simone didn’t want to talk to anyone else while she meditated on her future. Everyone was telling me all the things.

It all felt like bullshit.

“And Glendra bailed immediately after the stasis lifted.” Sisily sounded sad now; she’d gotten along with Torin’s mom pretty well. “I have no idea why, because if the Shadow Beast wanted to kill her too, he’d have done so that night.”

Her story remained the same as Torin’s. The same as all of Torma’s. They repeated it so often, I wondered if it actually was the truth.

Gods, my life would be so much easier if I could just accept it and start building a world here in the pack. I was the alpha-mate and would finally be able to feel comfortable around these shifters. And yet, I just couldn’t.

“You would feel better if you allowed a true relationship with Torin,” Sisily said, cutting through my dark thoughts. “You’re even sleeping in your old apartment. I mean… Meers, we can’t have the alpha-mate in a shithole like that.”

Her use of “Meers” had me grinding my teeth. “Aw, Sissss,” I mocked, “you are such a great friend.” My sarcasm was the only thing not out of place in my life. “But it’s best if I take my time until my memory returns. I’m sure you… and everyone else… understand that.”

She missed all of my snark, her face brightening. “We need a ladies’ night out! It’s the only way to remind you of how incredibly cool you are. This dreary version is a real downer, girl.”

Incredibly cool? Who was this bitch talking about?

“Isn’t the pack mixer tonight?”

I was keeping up with pack business, even while trying to avoid Torin with every part of my being. He made my skin crawl, and no matter how much I tried to get on board with my true mate, it didn’t feel right. My gut was telling me that there was something hidden in my memories that I needed to unlock. And I needed that to happen sooner rather than later.

My wolf surged up in my chest, her strength fuzzy and unfocused, just as it had been all week. “I’m going to shift for a run,” I told Sisily, already yanking my shirt up.

This was the first time in two days that my wolf had shown any life, and I was going to let her out in the hopes that it would give her new energy.

Sisily started to undress as well. “I’ll run with you.”

I shook my head, my fingers leaving the hem of my shirt to wrap around her forearm. “I want to be alone,” I said bluntly, since she clearly wasn’t very good at reading between the lines.

Her face fell, while her azure eyes remained hard and sparking with anger. She thought I didn’t see through her fake smiles and annoying nicknames, but I saw everything. She hated me, but she wanted the benefits of being friends with the alpha-mate. Sisily liked to have friends in high places.

Unfortunately for her, I had a very long memory. Ironic, considering my short-term memory loss of the last few months, but the rest… I remembered clearly.

I would never run with her as a pack.

“Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you at the house tonight for the mixer,” she replied with a huff, before turning and strolling off.

Good riddance, as far as I was concerned. Ditching the rest of my clothes, I placed my book and phone on top of the pile, shaking my head at the displayed date and time. Was that why my wolf felt so sluggish? Because our first shift had been delayed for two years? I couldn’t come up with another explanation, and I’d spent every waking hour trying to find one.

Maybe someone from one of the other packs would let slip a new piece of information. The pack mixer was Torma’s first real introduction back into the shifter world since our punishment. To think the Shadow Beast could just steal years of our lives was… scary. The demon in our shadows, who’d always felt more like a myth than reality, was apparently very real. Not to mention super-hot—according to the female shifter contingent—and lethal as fuck—according to the males. Torma pack had seen and fought him, during which time our alpha had been killed.

This was a huge fucking deal, right? So why couldn’t I remember it? Everyone else remembered the day the stasis had occurred, citing their fear and grief at losing time as well. Then they remembered the day we’d awoken, followed by the Winter Solstice about a week later. The last thing I recalled was going to school and Jaxson terrorizing me, and then the day I’d shifted and had been rejected, but the rest was blank.

I’d read stories about human women who had their drinks spiked, waking with no memories of that night or sometimes a few nights. Their grief and terror over being vulnerable during that time, possibly hurt or raped, had been palpable on the pages. I empathized with that, and the only thing keeping me sane right now was Torin’s assurance that I hadn’t slept with him yet.

We had been taking it slow while I made him work for forgiveness, which sounded more like me than any other parts of the story. Apparently, waking in his bed last week had only been the second time I’d slept over, baby steps in moving forward and trusting him again. Steps that were completely gone now as I attempted to pry free all my missing days.

A sharp jab of pain in my head told me I’d gone too far in prodding at those blank memories, and I had to back off. My memories did not want me pushing at them, warning me with migraines and near seizure-like attacks. If only it were in my nature to let it lie. Even knowing I would be afforded a nice, comfortable life as the alpha-mate if I just accepted it all and moved on wasn’t enough to force my hand.

Whoever had done this to me had given me almost everything my shifter heart had desired because they’d thought it would keep me complacent. And if the target of this memory manipulation had been inflicted on anyone other than me, they might have been in luck.

Who would be strong enough to do this, though? It had to be the Shadow Beast. It had to have happened when Victor was destroyed.

Had I annoyed the beast when he’d been here? My mouth had been known to get me into trouble, and while Torin assured me I’d never even spoken to the shifter god… I must have.

My wolf howled, and I didn’t fight her, allowing the change to wash over us. It was slow and painful, which I’d expected since we’d only been shifting for a few months. I mean, it was amazing I could even release her like this at all and not lose control of the Mera side of my brain. It had been that way since the first shift, and I still had no idea why.

Torin acted like it was due to our bond that I’d gotten control so fast, sounding all proud and shit when he said it. About the same way he sounded when he talked about the size of his dick, so it clearly wasn’t that hard to impress him.

My wolf howled again as we ended up on four legs, annoyed that I was once again hating on our mate. In her wolf mind, we just needed to accept our position here and be grateful to have such a strong, powerful mate.

If only the human mind worked the same way.

I knew I was being lied to, and my inability to get to the bottom of it when everyone in Torma was telling me the same story was driving me crazy.

It was a very convenient story, one that none of them ever messed up.

That was probably all a normal person would need to accept it, but for me, it had a “rehearsed” feel to it, and until I figured out the truth, I would trust no one in this pack.

Just like old times, since, apparently, my previous place of pack punching bag was the one part of my past I would never forget.

2

My wolf ran in a frenzy for the first ten minutes, and just as I was feeling a sliver of positivity that she was gaining in energy, she crashed, stumbling forward until we ended up resting beneath a tree. My concern grew, and as I tried to search through her essence for a reason, I had to ask, What’s wrong?

She whimpered, and there was weakness in her soul as I dug deeper into the bond between us. A howl spilled from us, and I wasn’t sure which one of us had initiated it; my wolf soul had never felt more like a separate entity living inside of me as it did today. But truth be told, I’d only known this bond for a week, thanks to my stupid memory loss. Maybe it had always been like this…?

My wolf and I whimpered together, laying our head on crossed front paws, staying in solemn silence for a long time as we searched for peace.

It never came.

Instead, what did come was a huge wolf who was almost as annoying as Sisily. He casually strolled into view, and I had the sense he’d been watching me for some time, like the fucking stalker he was.

Sighing, I got to my feet, but I didn’t shift back, not wanting to be naked with him.

The wolf’s shiny midnight coat was longer than mine, making him almost shaggy in appearance, which didn’t take away from how truly spectacular the new beta of Torma was.

Jaxson Heathcliff.

He used to be my best friend. I hadn’t forgotten the way he’d been my rock for so many years, but that had all changed when my father died. Since then, we’d been enemies.

In the past week, I’d only seen him two times, and neither had ended well as I’d screamed about my memory loss and everyone hiding shit from me. He’d called me insane, and I’d repeatedly thought about ripping his throat out.

Speaking of, my wolf growled, spreading our legs into a better position to attack if needed.

Jaxson’s wolf didn’t care, ignoring my hostility as he bounced forward and nudged me. That was all my wolf needed to shut down our anger, as she nudged him back, wanting to play and frolic with her pack. Me holding us back from pack life was no doubt adding to her melancholy.

I’d never felt this dark and low before, not even during the worst of the pack’s treatment. These depressive episodes were… like their own entity, and no matter how hard I worked to claw my way free, it sucked me under every day. It was even worse than when my father had died because at least then, I’d known why. I’d understood the grief.

Today, I understood nothing.

Jaxson tried to roll me over, and I forced my wolf down, sending another growl his way. The sound ripped from my chest with ferocity, and the beta backed off. I was the alpha-mate, but technically, my power came from Torin’s position in the pack, not from my own wolf. As the beta, Jaxson only obeyed my will because he wanted to, not because I was more powerful.

Kind of bullshit if you asked me.

There was a swirl of magically charged energy in the air, and then Jaxson was on two feet, his black hair slightly tousled, as his dark eyes locked in on me. He stepped forward, his feet bare, along with the rest of the very impressive body attached to them. Tall and lanky, he was ripped in all the right places, but unlike the previous times I’d seen his body, I felt nothing but a cold emptiness inside. I was viewing him like I would Michaelangelos’s statue of David. His form was nice, but it stirred no attraction within me.

With that in mind, I shifted back myself, making sure to keep a decent distance between us. “What do you want, Jaxson?”

He looked taken aback by the abrupt nature of my tone. “It’s after five, babe. You know we have that mixer tonight.”

My foot was swinging toward him before I thought about it, and the guy probably got an eyeful of vagina as I kicked him solidly in the chest. He flew backwards, which was… odd because I wasn’t really strong enough to do that to a male of his size.

“Mera, what the fuck?” he shouted, already on his feet, not remotely injured. “What is wrong with you?”

“I don’t know,” I bit back through gritted teeth. “All I know is that calling me ‘babe’ is pissing me off. Stop doing it.”

His eyes darkened, their deep rich coffee color reminding me of the old days. They were warm, like they used to be. Part of me wished that whoever had stolen my memories had also taken the ones from when my best friend had betrayed me. Maybe it would hurt less not knowing.

“You can’t keep pushing us all away,” Jaxson warned me.

Yeah, challenge accepted.

“I don’t want to be disturbed.”

He crossed his arms. “Tough shit, princess. You’re our alpha-mate, and as such, you need to present a united front with Torin at these events.”

I was gritting my teeth hard enough to crack them. “We aren’t united.”

It was clear that Jaxson was here for one purpose: to make sure I didn’t make our pack look weak. That was a beta’s job, of course, but if Torin was any sort of worthy mate, he’d be here sorting his own shit out.

Couldn’t respect an alpha who allowed others to fight his battle.

“Please, Mera,” Jaxson coaxed. “It’s good for you to start getting back into pack life. It might help jog your memory. Remind you of happier times.”

My first instinct was to snap that I had no damn “happy times” in this pack. I’d wanted to escape Torma for as long as I could remember, but somehow, during my missing memories, everyone else I’d cared about had fled, while I was still here.

Had I stayed for a reason? Why wouldn’t I have left with Simone? Was it part of the reason she didn’t want to talk to me?

It all just hurt, and I wanted it to stop. In truth, Jaxson did make one good point: My attitude was only creating more distance between me and the rest of Torma.

Maybe trying something new would shake me out of this dark mood. Books were masking the pain, but deep inside, I had been hurt. The need to figure out why and by whom was nearly destroying me.

“Okay,” I said softly. “I’ll be there tonight, and I’m going to make more of an effort to integrate back into pack life.”

Those words tasted like ash on my tongue, but before I could second-guess my new life plan, I called on my wolf to shift back. Only she never rose to the surface, instead sinking lower inside until I could barely feel her. I knew my eyes were wide and panicked when I lifted them to Jaxson.

He took a step closer, his face scrunched in concern as he ran his gaze over me. “What is it, Mera? What’s wrong?”

The Story Continues on BooksBarbecue!

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