‘Walter’s feelings are going to be hurt, Hannah, whether you do it decently or indecently.’

‘I know. But Walter is my husband, and he has been sending me money ever since he set up the business. He’s been supporting me, and, in his way, caring for me. It wouldn’t be kind or Christian to desert him so abruptly.’

‘Christian? What does being a Christian have to do with it?’

‘Being a Christian has to do with everything, Collis. You prayed today, remember? You can’t appeal to God with one breath and dismiss Him with the next.’

‘I didn’t mean to be blasphemous, or anything like that,’ Collis said. ‘I just feel that it’s more honest, and probably kinder in the end, if you tell Walter straight away.’

‘Perhaps it is,’ she said. There was a long pause while she swallowed, and regained her breath. ‘But I still want time to think about it, and I still need time to recover.’

‘I can stay here without worrying you, can’t I?’

‘You know you can’t. In any case, you can’t afford to stay in Panama much longer, can you? If you keep on missing boats, the steamship company may ask you to pay a surcharge, and what about making your fortune in San Francisco? The sooner you start, the better.’

‘You really don’t want me around? Is this a gentle goodbye?’

‘No,’ she whispered, ‘it isn’t. But you must let me find my feet. I came very close to death last night. I knew that if I weakened, if I gave in, I would be drawn into the darkness, and that would be the end of me. It was an experience that brought me face to face with myself, Collis, with what I am; as if someone had set up a looking glass before me that showed me my soul as well as my body. I was frightened. I thought that I had actually died. And when I came around this afternoon, while you were away, I believed for a moment that I was in heaven, and not on earth at all.’

Collis stared at her for a while in silence. He understood what she was trying to tell him. She needed to feel more confident about herself and what she wanted out of life before she was prepared to make a final decision about Walter. And she needed something else, too, although she hadn’t said so. She needed to see Walter, to make absolutely sure of her disappointment in him, to check if his whiskers were really as dreary as she had remembered them, and his conversation as dull.