She said, “I haven’t meant to be distant. Though I still have problems— big problems— with the whole deception thing.”

“Have any dinner yet?”

“Not hungry.”

“C’mon in.”

She shook her head. “Too tired, Alex. I just wanted to say that.”

“Come in anyway.”

Her chin trembled. “I’m exhausted, Alex. Won’t be good company.”

I touched her shoulder. She edged past me as if I were an obstacle. I followed her into the kitchen, where she tossed the keys and her purse on the table and sat staring at the sink.

* * *

She refused food but accepted hot tea. I brought a mug with some toast.

“Persistent,” she said.

“So I’ve been told.” I took a chair across from her.

“It’s ridiculous,” she said. “I’ve had patients go through worse than this. A lot worse. I think it’s a combination of this particular patient— maybe I let the countertransference get out of hand— and your being involved.”

She raised the mug to her lips. “When I met you, what you do . . . it turned me on. The whole police thing, the whole heroic thing— here was someone in my profession doing more than sitting in an office and listening. I never told you this, but I’ve had hero fantasies of my own. Probably because of what happened to me. I guess I’ve been living through you. On top of that you’re a sexy guy, no question. I was a sucker.”

What “had happened” to her was sexual assault at age seventeen. Warding off attempted robbery and gang rape years later.

She eyed her purse and I knew she was thinking about the shiny little gun. “What you do still turns me on, but this has been a rude awakening. I’m realizing that maybe there are aspects of it that aren’t healthy.”

“Like deception.” And holding down a woman’s ankles so a detective can hog-tie her.

Her eyes turned the color of gas jets. “You flat-out lied to her, Alex. A girl you didn’t know, with no consideration of the risks. I’m sure most of the time it’s no big deal, just a fib in the service of law enforcement and no one gets hurt. This time . . . maybe in the long run it will be good for her. But now . . .”

She put the mug down. “I keep telling myself if she was this close to the edge she would’ve been tipped over eventually. Maybe it’s my ego that’s wounded. I got caught unawares. . . .”

I touched her hand. She didn’t touch back.

“Deception’s okay for Milo, I understand the kind of people cops come into contact with. But you and I took the same licensing exam and we both know what our ethics code says.”

She freed her hand. “Have you thought it through, Alex?”

“I have.”

“And?”

“I’m not sure my answer’s going to make you happy.”

“Try me.”