So – jeans or a skirt? What’s better? I cock my head and try to visualize Caroline in both next to each other. Caroline nods at me encouragingly and holds the short dress up to herself again.

‘What do you think? Which one will Jens think I’m prettier in?’

JENS?! Caroline isn’t going out with Daniel? This bad news literally knocks me off my paws, and I roll onto my side with a plaintive howl.

‘Hercules!’ Caroline shouts. ‘Are you having another one of those attacks?’

She drops the dress, kneels down beside me, and pets my head. Then I get an idea: if I’m sick, she’s sure to cancel her date with this Jens. So I launch into another one of my famous park performances, with every bell and whistle I can come up with. I howl, tremble and writhe around, throwing in spasms for good measure. Caroline looks at me in horror, then she jumps up and runs out of the bedroom. Phew! I get a little breather. Acting is quite an exhausting profession. I hear Caroline talking on the phone, obviously to Nina.

‘Nina? Do you have Marc Wagner’s home phone number? Hercules is having another one of those attacks, and it’s far too late for his surgery hours…’ A brief pause. ‘Thanks, I’ll tell him.’

She comes back into the bedroom with the telephone in her hand. Now I’m lying on my back and just twitching a bit here and there. I think I’m doing a very impressive job.

‘Dr Wagner? This is Caroline Neumann, you know, Nina’s friend with the dachshund. I’m sorry to disturb you at this hour, but Hercules just had one of those attacks, and now he’s lying there looking really listless. I’m so worried…’ She kneels back down next to me. ‘Oh, yes, would you do that? That’s very, very kind. 12 Helvetia Street, a big art nouveau-style building. Right; see you soon.’

No sooner does she finish that conversation than she dials another number. ‘Jens? It’s me, Caroline. Listen, I’m really sorry, and I know this sounds ridiculous, but my dachshund has just had another epileptic attack, and the vet is coming here for a house call. Could we move it to another evening? I wouldn’t feel right leaving Hercules alone today. OK with you? Thanks – I’ll be in touch tomorrow. Bye!’

If I weren’t in the middle of playing a sick dog, I would let out a howl of triumph. But if I did, my cover would be blown, so I keep it to myself. Instead, I just lie draped over the bedside rug and yowl every now and then. Caroline pets me and hums away to herself. I guess she’s trying to calm me down. Then the doorbell rings. It’s Dr Wagner. Not that he’s the man I want to see here either, but I’d rather have a couple of check-ups from this vet than see Jens mess up my plans for Caroline and Daniel. After all, it’s in a good cause.