When Beck says that, I realize what I actually wanted to tell him about. ‘Have you noticed how bad Caroline is feeling?’ I ask him.

‘Yeah; relationship problems. She’ll get over it.’

‘Yes, but she’s in hospital!’

‘Oh, I didn’t know that something like that can put people in hospital. Of course I’m sorry.’

‘You should be – it was your idea!’

‘Now wait a second. What do you mean it was my idea?’

‘If you hadn’t set up the thing with Thomas, he would still be there, and Caroline wouldn’t be so unhappy.’

Beck snorts furiously. ‘Now listen to me – we did all that just for you! You were afraid that Thomas would throw you out; have you forgotten? And Caroline was already unhappy before that; she just didn’t realize it.’

I have to admit that the cat is not that far wrong, and I don’t want to pick a fight with him, so I strike a conciliatory tone.

‘Calm down – I’m not telling you that in order to argue with you, but because I have a sensational idea.’

Beck peers suspiciously at me. Although he doesn’t say anything, I notice the tip of his tail whisking back and forth frantically. To lend more weight to my words, I stretch to my full height, then I draw a deep breath.

‘So here’s the plan: we find a new man for Caroline – a prince. At least a really great one.’

Ta-da! I’m eager to hear Beck’s reaction. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have one.

‘Hey, are you still annoyed with me?’

‘No. But the idea is nuts.’

‘Why? I think it’s spectacular.’

‘Yeah, because you know nothing about people, especially women.’

Now I’m the one looking insulted.

‘Hercules, how do you imagine you’ll find a man for Caroline? I’m pretty sure that young women and little dogs have pretty incompatible tastes in men.’

‘But that’s exactly the point! Caroline’s taste in men! It’s not only bad; it’s catastrophic! If we wait until she finds one on her own, we may soon have the next Thomas in the house. She simply doesn’t know what would be good for her.’

‘Oh, and you do?’

‘Exactly. I do know. We’ll simply find a man I’d be happy to go hunting with. A man who befits her high standards, of course; Caroline is not just any woman. But also someone who would be a loyal master to his dog, who would treat him well, feed him daily and take him for lots of walks, because anyone who would treat his dog like that would surely treat his wife well. But Caroline simply doesn’t pay attention to these basic things.’

Mr Beck sighs. ‘Of course she doesn’t pay attention to things like that. She’s a human, not a dachshund. Have you forgotten? Besides, women don’t like nice men.’

‘Huh?’

Poor Beck; he certainly is a doddering old fool.