Maybe it would be more complicated if Lucas was interested in kissing me and holding my hand in well-lit places, but he isn’t ready for that. Lucas is very much in the closet, and he’s the kind of guy no one in Clover City assumes is gay. Yeah, it’s not easy for guys like me who are sort of like every nineties stereotype of gay, despite my efforts to be more subdued. But guys like Lucas can really throw people off, because if big, strapping Lucas, who is a total Clover City golden boy in his beat-up Wranglers and muscle shirt, can be gay without anyone suspecting it, then—GASP—anyone can be queer.

And even though I sometimes wonder if the reason Lucas and I aren’t publicly out together is because he’s embarrassed of me, I know that Lucas being out is a decision only he can make. Regardless of where I stand in the equation. Once you come out of the closet, there’s no going back in. The freaking closet door disappears, and you’re left totally unprotected in the middle of the world at the mercy of everyone else’s goodwill, hoping the people you’ve known your whole life really are decent and kind and that all that unconditional-love Bible stuff people spew is the real deal. That’s what coming out in a small town is. I would never jeopardize that for someone else. Never.

Small-town gay life doesn’t have to be a drag. It can be great in some ways, and it helps that I’ve not done anything like try to star in the school’s production of Oklahoma! Clem and I have been lucky, especially with our parents, but I’ve heard whispers about other kids in town. Everything from getting kicked out of their homes to being sent to Bible Bootcamp. (A real place with actual Yelp reviews, by the way. Five stars! Would send my once-homosexual kid back again!) Clem and I might have made it through life so far without any major bumps or bruises, but I know that we’re both just one unfortunate moment away from someone seeing us do something like hold hands with someone or even a moment of us “acting gay” before one of us is in actual danger.

As the commercials begin after last week’s episode, I stand up. “Okay, last call for bathroom breaks! This finale is live with zero commercials. Look alive, people!”

Clementine races to the bathroom.

“I’ll take my chances,” says Hannah.

I situate myself in Mom’s knitting armchair and can’t help but squeal with excitement.

Hannah laughs. “Have you ever even been to a real drag show?” she asks.

I flap a hand in her direction. “Um, out here? Yeah, right.” I know that drag queens come from all types of places, but sometimes it feels impossible to imagine here.