“Olá, Cameroooooon!” It’s Luis, eyes beaming, arms outstretched, having walked in through the open front door. His dad’s Brazilian, so he likes to drop a bit of Portuguese into conversation, although he basically only knows two words.

He also sometimes calls me ‘Cameroooooon‘, in the style of a howling wolf. I don’t know why.

And he’s also an hour early. Him and my other best mate, Molly, were meant to be coming round just before two so we could all go over to the Year 11 Leavers’ Prom committee meeting together.

He gives me a big hug. “All right?” Luis says, seeing my parents, as he rocks me from side to side, wafts of Lynx Africa billowing up from under his T-shirt.

Behind him, Molly stumbles through from the hall, a mound of soil in her cupped hands. “There was a pot on the floor by the door and I knocked it over,” she explains.

I let her tip the soil into my hands, because I’ve been thrown off guard now. I was all geared up for my BIG ANNOUNCEMENT, and now my best mates are here and I wasn’t planning on having an audience.

“You are never going to guess what!” Luis says.

“What?” I mutter.

“Everyone guess!” he insists.

I’m half tempted to say ‘I’m gay’ and get it over and done with that way, but I’m standing there holding a mound of soil and if I say that, everyone will probably want to hug me and that’s just gonna result in a lot of mud everywhere.

It doesn’t matter because Luis is too excited to be looking for an answer anyway. “The penguins at the zoo…” he says.

I roll my eyes. The zoo is basically the sole attraction in our shitty town, and even that’s crap. Last year they made a big deal about the new penguin enclosure, making it sound like the most amazing thing, but it’s actually just a big pond, a pretend igloo and a replica polar bear – even though polar bears and penguins live literally poles apart and neither of them live in igloos.

“…are GAY!” he squeals.

I stare at him. “What?”

“They’re gay, Cam! Two of the penguins have started a gay relationship!”

I turn to Molly, open-mouthed.

“It’s mad down there,” she says. “Loads of people have turned up – even a TV crew.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet!” Mum says. “What are their names?”

“What does that matter?!” I say.

“Kippie and Jingles,” Luis tells my mum.

“Aww!” she says again.

Dad nods sagely. “You hear of this quite a bit these days – penguins at zoos starting gay relationships.”

“Do you?” I say, because this is literally news to me.

“We gotta get down there, Cam!” Luis looks like he’s gonna explode if we don’t. “There’s a full-on media storm. We might get interviewed!”

I chew my lip a bit. “Cool.”

“Go on, Cameron,” Mum says. “Go and enjoy yourself.”

I manage a weak smile. I’m not sure how looking at some gay penguins constitutes ‘enjoying yourself’ but hey ho.