“I would say ‘No offense,’ ” she added in their direction. “But full offense is meant.”

Neither Tisha nor Eli seemed fazed.

Nyota and I don’t text daily updates on the minutiae of our respective lives. And yet, we keep in constant touch. We’ve developed a beautifully low-effort system to show our mutual love and respect, which consists of pebbling each other’s social media accounts with links to relevant videos and memes.

“You came alone, too?” I ask.

“I never do weddings with a plus-one.”

“Why?”

“It gets awkward for them, when I disappear with the hottest men at the party.”

I nearly do a spit take, and I’m not even drinking.

“Maya, the situation is dire.” She reclines sideways, like a post-battle Roman centurion. “It’s getting harder to meet guys that I actually want to sleep with.”

“You know, you told me that last time we spoke. But then I googled your firm.”

“And?”

“I saw your colleagues’ pictures. They look fine. The slicked-back hair does make me throw up in my mouth a bit, but you can work on that.”

“The problem is, they’re all lawyers. And I refuse to fuck a lawyer.”

“Why?”

“It’s incest, Maya. Just, tell me about the whole…” She gestures toward my face. Her long nails glitter in the late-afternoon sun.

“The whole?”

“The massacre. Tell me about the rage you’re experiencing.”

“Hmm, I’d rather forget about it. You tell me—have you met everyone?”

“I think so? Aside from…Avery, I think is her name. I must say.” She takes her sunglasses off, revealing thick, perfectly curled eyelashes. “I’ve been doing inventory, and it’s quite the unique situation.”

I’m so ready for her to say something stratospherically outrageous. “How so?”

“In terms of quantity, things are not looking up. Six men, only three unattached. I mean…I simply refuse to hit on the groom.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“The single guys, however, seem to be high quality. Like the NHL player.”

I groan. “Axel?”

“Yup. He is fine. And he came with his younger brother, Paul. Who’s also fine.”

“God, I haven’t seen Paul in years. Actually, he may have become a lawyer in the meantime.”

“Uh-uh. I checked. Engineer.” She scrunches her nose. “He seems really nice, though, which doesn’t bode well.”

“For what?”

“For his ability to not latch on to me past the wedding.” She shrugs. “The nice ones fall easily. And for some weird reason, the meaner I am, the harder they want me. Maybe I should just go for the third one.”

“Who?”

“Hark. He’s hot, too. Old enough to know what he’s doing. Above all, if I have one talent—and I have a million—it is picking out the most emotionally unavailable man in a group, and boy, is he the one. I guarantee you, that guy hasn’t experienced a feeling since the nineties. So I might—”

“He’s mine,” I blurt out.

Actually, no: I may have hissed it. Through gritted teeth. Which has Nyota’s slender neck shrinking back and her eyes sharpening.