I rushed out of the apartment, for the occasion was a grand one, and I wished for some uncommon seasoning. I kicked aside every newspaper, flip-flop, and beach-ball that got in my way.

“Where ya think yer goin’ in such a hurry?” The voice I heard was friendly.

A woman in late middle-age was sitting on a weathered sack of charcoal, taking in the sun. Her hair was three sorts of blonde, and if this weren’t enough variety, her roots were grey. She had on a grass-stained pair of trainers, a tight pair of jeans, a T-shirt and, from what I could see (and anyone else, quite easily) no bra. Her smile was empty, a rag-doll smile with black button eyes.

I assumed she was one of my neighbours and replied, “Just some shopping, Ma’am. Salt and pepper are fine things, but one does need variety in life.”

Her smile transformed into a contortion of malice. “You bit my man.”

I could not apologize before I knew whom she was talking about. “Which one?” I asked, and not in the least insolently.

“You bite often?” she sneered and came at me with clenched fists. Like the neglected fruit of an overgrown garden, her breasts sagged under their own weight. Although they could feed a famished army, the man to whom she was referring had apparently not bothered to take a bite for many a year.

“My past samples do not concern you unless you have consumed your partner since? I did not think so. Goodbye.” I did not wish to dismiss her rudely, but her face answered my questions quicker than her speech did, and besides, I had my own cuisine to worry about.

“So you eat every dick you come across?”

“If you enjoy the same flesh over a prolonged period, I congratulate you. As far as I’m concerned, no piece has yet addicted me.”

She blocked my path.

“Now if you shall excuse me.” I pushed past her, but didn’t get very far.

“You’re not going anywhere,” she grabbed me, “You bit my husband’s ass bad!”

She was breathing heavily; a hiccup jarred her chest and I detected a trace of pork and beer.

“I do not wish to upset you, Madame, but your husband was given the gift of free will from Our Lord above, he consented willingly, I promise you, you shall find no signs of chains or thrashing if you examine him more thoroughly. He should cut the links off himself if serving as a woman’s meal, other than his lawfully wedded wife’s, tempts him so much.”

“He told me all ’bout how it happened, you prick-tease, you was jerkin’ off a carrot in his face, you was playin’ with a cherry like it was y’r tit, you were puttin’ yer mouth on all kinds o’fruits an’ lickin’ ’em nasty, toyin’ with every obscenity you could get yer dirty fingers on!”

As she pulled my hair, I stepped around in an ungainly little dance. “I beg your pardon?!”