But in the other story, the man chose the right way and listened to the godly nurse and the “Good News was like refreshing waters on a parched land” to him. He prayed the Sinner’s Prayer right there in his hospital bed and got better and gave his life to the Lord, gave up his career as a nightclub singer and started to work in a mission for alcoholics. And the desire for alcohol, tobacco, singing worldly songs and swearing left him entirely, “for he was filled up with something far, far better!” He didn’t get hit by anything so you didn’t get to see what happened when he stood before the Lord but it was pretty clear he was an Elect sheep and would get to go in at the Right Hand and hear the blessed words, “Well done my good and faithful servant. Come into the joy of the Lord,” or something like that.

But I figured he still had problems because of the fact that if he wasn’t one of the Elect, “predestined before the foundation of the world” to be saved from Utter Total Depravity, then he might live his whole life like he should, maybe even marry the godly nurse and go to be missionaries with her in Liberia and hold Negro babies while she vaccinated them against polio, but it still might not work out. The Lord might say, “I never knew you,” and the man would say, “But I invited you into my heart,” and the Lord would say, “Maybe, but I never came in, see. You are a goat. Once a goat, always a goat. You were never one of the Elect.” Then the man would get mad and say, “What the hell are you talking about! Nurse Jane here never said anything about this!” Then the Lord would say, “Too bad she didn’t study Calvin’s Institutes more, then she would have known.” And the man would shout, “Known what?!” Then the Lord would say, “About Reformed theology, that’s what, pal!”

Then in my head the story got weird because I imagined the Lord saying, “But you’ll be able to study all about it now,” and the man said, “Where?” And the Lord said, “In the Lake of Fire of course.” And the man said real sarcastically, “How’s that?” And the Lord said, “Because Calvin’s there too.” Then the man said, “I thought he was a great and godly man and explained everything about God and all to everybody so we could be real Christians instead of Eastern Orthodox, Roman Catholics or Baptists!” Then the Lord said, “Yeah, but he’s not one of the Elect, his mind was unregenerated, he is the original Vessel of Wrath.”

“Calvin,” Mom said, “what are you daydreaming about, darling?”

“Calvin and Jesus.”