"I'll leave it up to you. You're a relationship expert, right? I mean, you know the right things to say."

Oh boy, we were in trouble. I never said the right thing. Lula was right. I was a relationship disaster.

"Sure," I told him. "Leave it to me. I'll get this fixed up."

Lula settled her ass on a Beetle Bumpkin barstool and looked around. "Beetle Bumpkin is one of them new mini chains," she said. "There's one just opened downtown. The sandwiches are good because they fry them. Everything's fried. That's the Beetle Bumpkin secret ingredient."

Loretta Flack was taking an order at the other end of the bar. Her hair was yellow under the Bumpkin bar lights, and her breasts were packed into a red Beetle Bumpkin T-shirt. I figured she was maybe fifteen years younger than Gary Martin.

"Let me do the talking this time," I said to Lula.

"My lips are sealed. I'm only here in case you need backup. Like suppose she tries some karate moves or she pulls a gun on you."

"I don't think that's going to happen."

"You never know. Best to be prepared, I always say. People are unpredictable. I learned that in my human behavior course at the community college. Did I ever tell you I took a human behavior course?"

"Yes."

"It could help in this situation. It's just about qualified me to be a relationship expert. Plus I got a lot of expertise all those years when I was a 'ho. I bet I could relationship the ass off you."

"No doubt. Let me talk anyway."

Loretta made her way down to us. "Ladies?" she said.

"Diet Coke and tuna on rye," I told her.

"I'll have the Beetle special sandwich and cheese fries and a Coke," Lula said.

I looked at my watch. It was twelve-thirty. "What about your afternoon diet?"

"It's more like a suggestion than a rule. And anyway, I thought since we're working on these cases I should keep my strength up. I might get all weak and hypoglycemic if I don't have cheese fries."

"So," Loretta said. "Working ladies."

"Yep. We're relationship experts," Lula said. "We fix up relationships. You got any that needs fixin'?"

"No. I'm good with relationships. I'm in a dreamy one right now. He's a lawyer."

"You don't look like the lawyer type," Lula said. "You look like… some other type."

Loretta drew my drink and slid it down the bar at me. "I'm lots of types. This is a really good job for meeting men. I go out with them and get them to buy me some jewelry and then when it looks like they're gonna say the L word I split. I got this necklace I'm wearing from a veterinarian."

"It's a good necklace," Lula said. "And you look like the veterinarian type more than the lawyer type. Maybe you should go back with him."

"He was a loser," Loretta said. "He kept talking about how he wanted a family." She wrinkled her nose. "Eeeuw, kids. Ick. I hate kids. And he was always rushing off to save some dumb cat or dog. I mean, what's with that? Who wants a boyfriend who makes you rush through dessert just because some cat got run over by a dump truck?"