He released me and I sank to the floor.

He whirled into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. I sat on the floor for a moment, winded, then I began to cry, great loud gulping sobs. I sat there for a long time, weeping with my hands over my face, until my howls abated. I raised my knees and wrapped my arms around them and carried on sobbing, with soft desperation, until there were no tears left, after which I stayed there, where I was, curled into a ball.

*

Eventually, Matty emerged from the bedroom. He came and stood over me, his arms crossed. I just wanted him to hold me and comfort me, but he didn’t even bend.

‘Look, if this goes on, maybe you should see someone? I mean, it’s not just the tiredness, is it? Look, I’m sorry if I pushed you away harder than I should have done but that attack from you really bloody scared me. I mean, clearly, there’s something not right with your head right now. I know you’re not sleeping. You think I can’t tell you’re awake half the night? It’s going to start affecting your judgement, I mean it has already but in other ways I mean. You’ve got a full-time job, how long before it starts affecting that, if it hasn’t already? Seriously, this can’t go on.’

He squatted down in front of me but didn’t touch me. ‘Has this sort of thing been happening at work, I mean, you losing it like this? Have you been losing it with your students?’

I kept my head low. I was so exhausted. I had not one ounce of fight left in me. ‘That means you’re awake too, I suppose, if you know I am. Do I wake you?’

He put his hand out – finally, a gesture of comfort – he put it on my head and stroked my hair. ‘Don’t you worry about me, I’m fine. Just please, promise me you’ll see someone, for both our sakes but mostly for your own sake, I’m so worried about you. Please.’

*

I woke again that night. I had gone to bed so exhausted that I thought I would sleep straight through but there I was, 3.25 a.m. this time. Instead of lying there, staring at the ceiling and sighing, I rose quickly, grabbed the trousers I had been wearing the previous evening and left the bedroom as quickly as I could.

*

I don’t know what I was thinking. What was I thinking? They all asked it. ‘What were you thinking?’ the young woman police officer would say, two hours later.

‘Love, what were you thinking?’ Matty would ask when the police brought me home, his voice soft with concern.