As far as relationships are concerned we are all doomed to achieve, in due course, the pain of clarity. There is so much that seems obvious in retrospect, but when it comes to love, the clues are always ambiguous.

*

One night, I said to Matty, quite casually, not meaning anything, ‘We should go out a bit more, we should make the effort. We don’t want to get too stuck in the mud.’

We were in the bedroom. He was already in bed, on his laptop; I was undressing. He looked up. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ he said.

I didn’t even look round. I was examining my toes. ‘I just mean we don’t want to get into too much of a routine like …’

‘Like what?’

I hesitated. I had been about to say, ‘like an old married couple,’ but it would have come out wrong. I wanted to be a couple with Matthew, either married or otherwise, I just didn’t want to be old. In truth, it had surprised me, a little, how much he wanted to stay at home once he had moved into my place. He had explained that his job was so stressful he preferred it when it was just the two of us at home and that made perfect sense but my job was stressful too and I still liked going out when we could. He didn’t like spending money, either, it turned out. Why pay to see a film and have someone rustling a massive tub of popcorn next to you when you could see loads of films for free on your own television and save the bother? Why eat out when he was a good cook – this was true – and he could do it much better at home? He hadn’t mentioned any of this before we cohabited.

‘Go on, like what?’ he insisted. His tone of voice warned me this was about to turn into an argument. It was bedtime and we both had work the next day. I didn’t rise to it, but he continued. ‘What you’re saying is, you’re bored, you’re finding me a bit boring.’

I turned to him then, with a smile. ‘Don’t be silly. Of course you’re not boring, you’re anything but.’

He looked down at his laptop again. ‘Sounds like what you’re saying.’

‘Well I’m not.’

I rose from the bed, picked up the clothes I had just taken off and went to drop them in the laundry bin next to the chest of drawers.

He continued with his email and spoke while he typed. ‘You said it was great to be out with Neesha. You said it was a nice change from being stuck at home watching TV with me.’