JAN 27, 1986

Dear Bridget,

T-minus one day until Challenger launch.

This morning something so bad happened I do not know if anything can ever be good again, Bridget. Today, my space shuttle crashed.

The moon mission started okay. NASA Bear played Ground Control. I did your job, making sure everyone else knew what to do. Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker were my astronauts, Sally Ride and Alan Shepard. We were almost to the moon when I dropped the space shuttle. I dropped the space shuttle! And it broke! And I can’t find Princess Leia…I mean, Sally Ride…anywhere!

At breakfast Joanie tried to talk to me about saying goodbye and Billy tried to talk to me about cupcakes this weekend and Francine tried to talk to me about getting a haircut soon, but I could not listen because my brain was too busy so I started humming louder and louder and louder until their words were All Done.

At school, my mind had no room for anything else, especially not testing.

I never thought about it before, but Major Tom gets lost every time we listen to “Space Oddity.” Ground Control calls him and calls him and he cannot hear them. Every time.

I wanted to pay attention to Mrs. Pierce. I wanted to, Bridget, but I was lost too. I was lost like Major Tom. And you.

It got worse and worse until I exploded.

I was at my desk.

Someone kept saying “Nova! Nova!” over and over and over again but I could not listen.

I covered my ears.

I did not like the sound of the voice in my ears. I only wanted you singing David Bowie in my ears.

I did not like the sound of Buddy bouncing in his chair at his workstation. I did not like the sound of Mallory drumming her long nails on the desktop. I did not like Alex’s chatting, Mary-Beth’s whisper, the grunting noise Luke made when he got a math fact wrong, Thomas’s stuffy nose, or the squeaky left wheel of Margot’s wheelchair.

I did not like the sound of the heat in the vents or the freezing rain outside the window or the eighth-grade lunch bell or the chairs scraping or the footsteps and laughter of the students in the hall heading to the cafeteria.

It was too much. Too much. Too many sounds. Too many people lost.

Mama and Daddy. Princess Leia and Major Tom. You and me.

My blood turned to lava, burning me from the inside to the outside and all over, bubbling up with no way to escape. I could not breathe. It was like there was a crack in my space helmet. My oxygen slipped out. I was choking.

Remember our space helmets? They stayed behind at Mama’s house in the space shuttle closet with the white moon balloon and the flashlight and the globe. Why didn’t we take them with us? We should have taken them with us.

I started to cry again, like a kindergarten baby.

I needed you.

I needed it to be you and me and NASA Bear, our space shuttle, and the moon.

I put one hand on my ear and my other ear against my shoulder. I hit myself one-two-three-four times in the side of the head but that did not help, I still could not breathe, so I grabbed my throat. I grabbed it and scratched and clawed and tried to get my oxygen back, but with a broken space helmet, there was no air.

Miss Chambers held down my hands. Mrs. Pierce was telling me to breathe.

They did not understand.

I did not need to be held down. I did not need to be told to breathe.

I needed a rescue mission. I needed help from Ground Control.

I heard your voice in my head, telling me I was still on Earth, not on the moon. That was the problem, you said, not my helmet. The problem was, I was still on Earth and needed to escape. So I started the countdown but so many thoughts were all over my mind it was hard to hear the numbers.

Ten, nine, eight…

“Even with having Nova around like her shadow…”

…seven, six, five…

“NASA Bear? Is that his name?”

…four, three, two…

“You’re glad she’s with us now. So are we.”

…one…

“Mrs. Vezina, I need you to calm down….”

Lift-off…

You, singing “Space Oddity.”

I was floating away, up to the dusty Sea of Tranquility on the moon. I thought you were in the space shuttle next to me, but when I looked again, I was alone.

Where were you, Bridget?

Without you, I am lost in space.

In the car after school, Francine said she was very worried. She said I had a meltdown. She said we need to work on a way for me to control my emotions without hurting myself.

She does not understand. She’s never lost a shuttle before.

When we got home, I skipped snack because I had to find Princess Leia. I was scared. I was scared she might be gone forever, Bridget. And I thought, if she’s gone forever, you might be gone forever too.

I was still searching when Francine came in.

“This was on the counter with a note from Joanie. She says she’ll miss us but she’s going to telephone once a week and send letters. Won’t that be nice? And she hot-glued the propeller. I guess it got broken this morning?”

In her hands was the helicopter.

I ran over to take it from her, but before I touched it I saw something amazing. Almost as amazing as the planetarium. Inside the helicopter was Princess Leia. I mean, Sally Ride. She must have been in there the whole time!

She wasn’t lost after all.

I took her out of the helicopter and hugged her and cried and cried, even though I felt happy, not sad. I promised I will not lose her again and I mean it because I keep my promises, the same way you keep your promises.

The night we ran away, you promised if we got separated, you’d come back for me. You’d be here to watch the Challenger launch together, you said. You would not miss it for all the planets in the solar system.

The Challenger launches tomorrow, Bridget.

So where are you?

Not lost in space.

I miss you.

Love,

Your Super Nova