JAN 23, 1986

Dear Bridget,

T-minus five days until Challenger launch.

This afternoon at school was good, then bad, then good again.

The first good thing was in Mr. O’Reilly’s room. He said we will watch the Challenger launch from our classroom on the TV, which means we will not miss it.

The bad thing was when he asked questions about space and no one let me tell the answers. They want me to sit with a Quiet Voice and a Calm Body and Happy Hands and just listen! It’s not fair. When you come to watch the launch, you can tell Mr. O’Reilly and Miss Chambers how smart I am so he will call on me and she will not say “Please settle down.”

After that, the afternoon got good again. I played Chutes and Ladders with Mallory and Alex and Buddy and Mary-Beth…and I won! I was the first one to make it all the way to the blue ribbon 100 square. I beat Mallory by only one because she was on 99 and Alex says 99 plus 1 equals 100. When I got to 100 Mallory said a bad word and threw her game piece and then knocked the board on the floor so Miss Chambers made her go sit down. She stomped her feet and ripped up the rules reminder sheet hanging next to her desk. Mary-Beth says Mallory does not like to lose. But she must have stopped being mad by the end of the day, because she asked me and Buddy to play Play-Doh with her.

When Buddy is not bouncing, he likes to make face pieces with the Play-Doh, like Mr. Potato Head has, then he puts them on his own face. Today he made blue straight line eyebrows and placed them on his forehead, almost touching in the center but up on the ends, to look angry. He frowned hard and wagged his pointer finger, looking just like the guy helper teacher when he is giving directions for the tenth time. Mallory snorted.

“Oh, hello, Mr. Malone!” she said. “When did you get here?”

Buddy laughed and took the Play-Doh off his face, leaving it balled up in front of him. He tapped the back of Mallory’s hand and pointed to her face.

“Okay, my turn. Who am I?” She put on a yellow Play-Doh beard and mustache. “It Is Especially Special To See You Looking So Special Today, Special Ed Kids!”

I laughed my biggest laugh because I knew who she was right away: Principal Dowling, who says every word like it’s its own sentence!

“Your turn, Nova.” She handed me a ball of green, but I did not know who to be. Buddy took it out of my hand and made two circles, which he attached together with a curved line. He pressed them around my eyes.

“Glasses,” said Mallory. “Are you Miss Chambers?”

That gave me an idea. I picked up Buddy’s hand and made him wave it the right way, like Miss Chambers did to me on Day One. Then I told him “Touch blue,” but I didn’t think he would get it because it sounded like “Tuh boo.”

“Boo!” said Buddy. He smashed the rolled-up blue Play-Doh and laughed.

“You sounded just like her!” said Mallory. “You’re so funny, Nova!”

And then Francine was there to take me home.

After school, Billy came home from work early and asked me and Joanie to make cookies with him. Joanie said no because she is busy studying for when she goes back to college, but I love making cookies! Billy is a good baker like Mama was.

“Dad doesn’t get to bake fun stuff like that at his restaurant,” said Joanie. “He supervises the chefs while they make fancy snails and duck pâté!”

I stuck out my tongue. I have not been to Billy’s restaurant yet. Francine says it is very fancy and always busy, but if the chefs are making snails and ducks I don’t want to go!

“Dad’s restaurant works with a community organization that helps people with Down syndrome and autism get jobs,” added Joanie. “It’s a pretty cool place. And the mushroom risotto is…” She put two thumbs up.

I stuck my tongue out again because mushrooms belong in the ground, not on my plate. Then Joanie went back to her books and Billy went back to the baking.

“Will you crack these for me, Nova?” Billy asked when it was egg time.

I tried.

But I guess I did not do my best job because the egg fell apart and shells went in the bowl and then I thought maybe I might cry. I bit my hand between my thumb and pointer finger.

“It’s okay!” Billy took my hand out of my mouth. He used a big part of the shell to get the little bits of shell out. “I’ll teach you. Practice makes perfect!”

He held his hand over my hand and we tap-tap-tapped the egg on the edge of the bowl to make a line in the shell. He held my hands in his hands and helped me pull the two sides apart so the Yellow-Orange yolk and gooey clear part fell in the bowl with no shell pieces. He let me do the next one myself and this time I did a good job. No shells went in.

Then he showed me how to use the electric mixer, which I kind of did not like because it was loud but also kind of liked because of the way the silver beaters swirled round and round and round. After we put in everything except the chocolate chips he let me eat some raw dough but not while Francine was in the kitchen because Billy says she does not allow that. He looked at Joanie.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell!” She was sitting at the table, reading a boring-looking book, writing notes, and eating carrots. “I’d have some too but I’m trying to eat healthier.”

“Yeah,” said Billy. “If your mother asks, I am too.” Then he took a big bite of the raw dough.

I do not remember if Mama let me eat raw dough, but I remember baking with her when you were at school. I remember one time we made brownies and another time we made a whole chocolate cake with white frosting with pink flowers. I remember standing on a chair and I remember a wooden spoon and I remember Mama singing along with the radio and calling me her special girl. I remember the time I spilled the whole bag of flour and I cried but Mama laughed and then we drew hearts in the powder on the floor until you got home from school and made us clean it up, like you were the mama and Mama was the big sister.

I have not thought about that in a long long long time.

I want you to bake with Billy and me.

Is it okay if I like baking with Billy?

When the cookies were in the oven, I went upstairs to my room, found our old astronaut toy, picked up NASA Bear, got your mix tape and Walkman, and went up to the attic.

Even though you have taped over Side B many many many times with new music by Michael Jackson and Madonna, thank you for keeping Side A the same. I like that it is the same. I like knowing what song will be next. I like that when I listen to them, all my bad thoughts go away.

I rewound the tape to the beginning and pressed Play for David Bowie to sing “Space Oddity.” I needed to hear about Major Tom leaving his wife behind on Earth to travel into space. I put NASA Bear in my lap to be Ground Control and pretended the astronaut was Major Tom while I waited for the countdown. I closed my eyes to imagine I was there. Just like you taught me whenever I needed to forget about missing Mama.

But the Walkman wasn’t working.

And I started to cry.

I’ve been crying a lot since you’ve been gone, Bridget. I try to be tough like you, but I’m not you. So I sat there and I cried and I didn’t know what to do, and then the door opened, the overhead light came on, and there was Joanie.

“Nova! I went looking for you in your room and you were gone! Then I opened the door to the attic and heard crying. Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?”

I held up the Walkman.

“Did you drop it? Is it broken?” Joanie sat cross-legged beside me. “Doesn’t look broken.” She opened it to check the tape. “Looks okay.”

I shook my head. Not okay.

“Can I see?” She reached for the headphones. I let her take them. She put them on her ears and pressed Play. “No sound? I bet it’s the batteries. Don’t cry! I’ve got more in my room. Come downstairs.”

I followed Joanie down to her room. Her room is…pink.

All shades.

The walls are Crayola Salmon pink, her bedspread is Mulberry and Magenta, her curtains are neon pink, and her carpet is pale pink. All that pink kind of made me feel like I was standing inside county fair cotton candy, and my tummy twisted. I have not had cotton candy since last Halloween.

“Here you go!” Joanie placed two new batteries inside the back of the Walkman, popped it shut, and handed it to me. “Good as new!”

I said “Ah” but I meant “Thanks,” and then I left to go back to the attic, but now I wasn’t thinking about Major Tom. I was thinking about last Halloween.

You said you were taking me trick-or-treating.

That was a lie.

It was not the first time you lied to our foster parents, but it was the first time you lied to me.

We went to that boy’s house for a party instead, even though our foster parents always said “No parties!” and “No boys!”

You made our costumes. Yours was pointy cardboard ears glued to a headband with a fluffy brown and white tail. Mine was a mint-green one-piece jumpsuit with a yellow scarf.

You knocked on the boy’s door. I held out my pillowcase. I wanted my candy.

He opened the door and smiled with too many teeth. He was not holding a candy bowl like people are supposed to on Halloween, but he was in costume, a long black cape with his face painted white with red drips by the corners of his mouth. You shrieked and jumped back.

“Ahh! Look, Nova! A vampire!”

He laughed and took his teeth out. That’s when I jumped back. Teeth are not supposed to come out. He showed them to me.

“Fake fangs. What do you think?”

You said, “Nova likes them. She thinks they’re cool.”

But that was another lie.

I did not like them. I thought they were gross. Then you asked if he liked our costumes.

“You’re a cat and she’s…an elf?” he guessed.

That made me mad, even madder than not getting candy when he opened the door.

“I’m the Fox and she’s the Little Prince! Geez, read a book sometime, you troglodyte!”

“You’re the foxiest fox I’ve ever seen!” he said. Then he hugged you. “Come in. Everyone’s already here.” We followed him to the kitchen, where a chicken, a roll of Life Savers, Batman, Wonder Woman, two cats in short dresses, and a wrestler were all crowded around a bowl of candy on the table, but none of them were saying “Trick or treat!” before they took some.

“Check it out!” said the boy, pointing to a machine on the counter. “I rented it. It makes cotton candy! Cool, huh?”

“So cool!” you said. “Right, Nova?”

I crossed my arms and did not speak.

Then you asked me to please be good so I said “Mm” and you said thank you, but I didn’t mean yes. I meant mad. I was mad. I was mad because I wanted to trick-or-treat and I was mad because you lied. I stayed mad for almost the whole party. I stayed mad even while I was eating my cotton candy. I ate so much cotton candy my stomach hurt.

But after everyone else had gone, I heard you talking to that boy.

He said, “It must be a lot of work, bringing Nova everywhere. Won’t it be nice to go to college without her?”

You said, “No. I won’t go anywhere without her. Not even college.”

He laughed. “Come on. Aren’t you always telling me you have to get out of that house, out of this town? They’re not just gonna let you take her with you when you turn eighteen. You know that, right?”

Then you said, “I don’t care what they say. If I can take her to the moon, I can take her anywhere.”

Suddenly, I wasn’t mad anymore.

I miss you.

Love,

Your Super Nova