At my table for eight, the chocolate mousse lay unforked and the decaf cooled as the jovial movie stars onstage speculated on the names of the winners present in the crowd (forgetting to mention me, of course). An honorary award was given out to a publisher of progressive children’s books. A eulogy was intoned for the CEO of a major media corporation who had died rock climbing a week earlier. And so the circus dragged on and on. Finally, a winner was announced.

Upon hearing a name, not my name, my neighbors dropped their eyes to inspect their silverware. At adjacent tables, heads turned to gauge my humiliation. An obese publicist to my right patted my hand in consolation. “I’m sure your book was much better, Richard.” His pupils dilated with the thrill of witnessing my pain.

The winner, a tweedy, aging Ivy Leaguer, florid-faced and wet-eyed (due to the quarts of vintage wine he has consumed daily since his first literary bestseller) jogged up to the podium. The lickspittles leapt to their feet and applauded. With his usual tennis club jocularity he snatched the prize from Catherine Zeta-Jones, took her in his arms and kissed her on the mouth. I shivered with disgust.

The victor leaned into the microphone, thanked his wife, his agent, his housemaid and, of course, Leon, who digested this morsel with beatific slit-eyed joy. I could only think, don’t thank me, motherfucker. Your writing is vapid and ironic to no purpose. It is a wretched blend of overwrought creative writing school frosting. It is “cute” and it is pointless. All designed to sucker in the peanut gallery. I could never write what you write my friend. I don’t “do” sentimentality and I don’t do glib. I don’t do cliché.

BUT WAIT, what the fuck had I been smoking? I forgot our hero’s spot on the bestseller lists! I overlooked the most important aspect of this enterprise, that we’re all in it to get RICH! Of course! The true measure of the artist. Does your stuff SELL? Why would anyone be doing this, making all this effort, if not to sell millions of “units” so that the author-hero can become a wealthy author-hero! Then the author-hero can attend more dinners and receive more awards and sell more movie options to the corporate leviathans, and spend more time at more Hamptons get-togethers to cluck and kiss the other author-heros’ bronzed cheeks, dazzled by the reflection of the collective genius present. The artist is the antenna of the race and the race is venal and shallow.