I invited Theo to my reading at the St. Mark’s Poetry Project at the old stone church on 10th Street. This was a promotional event I could handle, safely in the city. Been a while since I had read my stuff to this crowd. Thirty years ago the place was perpetually milling with young writers. Ginsberg and Corso would come by. And there would always be a couple of characters passing a pint of wine in the back rows. Now, the crowd was scrubbed, eager. Out on Second Avenue a cold rain fell. Inside the room was overheated and the smell of damp cloth filled the air. I read from A Gentle Death and then added a few pages I’d scribbled about the heart surgery. The audience was rapt. Huge ovation at the end. Felt good.

When I found Theo afterward I could see that he was impressed. But there was also a glint of agitation in his eye. We got a bite to eat at Veselka’s. He picked at his food while I waited for him to laud my reading. Instead, he asked if I’d read his pages yet. I lied, saying I was halfway through them and didn’t want to comment until I’d finished. His expression was that of an eager pup, waiting for the ball to be tossed.

Theo is a beautiful young man with chestnut curls and soulful eyes.

He’s brimming with his future, with his need. As we sat, I noticed two young women at the next table trying to catch his eye.

It was energizing to spend time with Theo. If I had had a son with ’Gitte, would he have been like Theo? No matter. He has entered my life like a gift. And I need a friend right now. I need someone who will listen respectfully to what I have to say.

November 15, 2006

Leon bought an entire table at the awards dinner at the Marriott Marquis. He seemed genuinely pleased and proud. There was a renewed sense of brotherhood between us, a bond forged by all that we’d been through together. Sarah had decided to bury the hatchet and agreed to be my escort for the evening. She was radiant. She held my hand under the table as the winner was announced.

As you know, I won the award. When my name was announced, every part of me knit itself together and my pulse grew firm. The award, however synthetically, amended and improved the world in every way.