Her arms tightened around his torso, and the lump in his throat nearly choked him. He willed his eyes to stay dry, his emotions to stay composed. He just felt so much…everything…for her. He felt for her. In every sense of the word. And he couldn’t imagine doing this without her.

But for her sake, maybe he needed to try.

Turned out, it was the bleomycin. His chest X-ray had shown what they called “infiltrates,” but his white count was normal and, without a fever, they were pretty confident it wasn’t pneumonia.

They administered several doses of steroids, and his breathing eventually improved. He wouldn’t receive the bleomycin again, and his remaining chemo treatments would have three drugs instead of four.

Lauren and Jeni stayed with him overnight and try as he might to get Lauren to sleep in the bed with him, she refused.

“I shouldn’t stay at all,” she’d said. “If any of the nurses I know see me, they’ll wonder why I’m here.”

“If you think you should go, I understand,” he’d said.

Her expression had been torn but her voice was sure. “I’m not leaving.”

Both women attempted to find comfortable positions using the couch and armchair in the room, and as he watched from the bed, Andrew had never felt more like a douche in his life.

He also felt incredibly lucky.

Lauren left shortly before he was discharged Saturday afternoon. Andrew didn’t speak to her again that day, and by Sunday he’d come to a few realizations.

One, he loved her more than he knew it was possible to love someone.

Two, he wanted to be with her forever. Marry her. Have children with her.

Three, he didn’t know if number two would ever happen for him.

Four, until he knew he could offer her a full life, he didn’t deserve to have her now.

Three times now, she’d cried because of him. Because of his illness and the difficulties of her job circumstances. He’d been selfish to push her into this relationship, when she’d made it clear it wasn’t something she was comfortable doing in her position. He’d cared only about how much he wanted her. He knew there were times he made her happy, and that she wanted to be with him, too. But being with him wasn’t the only thing that brought her happiness.