My mouth is dry, and I take a gulp of fruit juice.

‘I’m not suggesting a change to the ultimate outcome. I know I can’t keep this baby, because of who its father is. But I can’t let it go to that orphanage. Through a friend I’ve found an alternative: to send the baby to its father, in England, where it will be safe. I just want it to be loved and have a chance—’

‘No! Absolutely not, Herta. I’ve spent a lot of time making these arrangements. You cannot expect me to change them!’

‘Mutti, please—’

‘You are infuriating! It’s out of the question. What if this were to get out? You realise Vati would be ruined? His good reputation is vital to his career, to everything we have. He has worked so hard to get to where he is. I cannot jeopardise that, even if I wanted to. No, what’s been arranged keeps everything tight. Very few people know anything, and I’m paying a fortune to those Jewish pigs to keep their mouths shut…’ Her eyes widen. ‘Who have you been speaking to? You were warned to tell no one!’

‘Mutti, it’s fine. Don’t worry, the secret is safe, I promise you.’

‘What does it take to make you learn, Herta? Time and time again you do this!’

She’s getting angry. She begins to jiggle her leg.

‘Mutti—’

‘You know I would never go against your father’s wishes. I would never be disloyal to him. This is an utterly pointless discussion.’

‘There’s a thing or two you should know about Vati’s loyalty,’ I cry out in anger and desperation. It’s time she learnt the truth about her precious husband. I’ve kept his dirty secret for long enough and I couldn’t care less about sparing her feelings any more. ‘Things I’ve found out. Things Vati wouldn’t want others, especially you—’

She holds up a hand. ‘Stop right there,’ she says, her voice hard. ‘Don’t say a word more.’

I meet her eyes. And then I see it.

‘For Christ’s sake, you know, don’t you?’

‘Of course I know. Do you think I’m stupid?’ Her leg is jiggling up and down, like a piston.

‘Why? Why do you put up with it?’

‘What choice do you think I have, hm? I put up with it, because I have to! And I love him.’ Her eyes fill with tears. ‘Without him, I am nothing. So, I fill my time with other things, I close my mind to it, and we carry on. He pretends it’s not happening, and I pretend the same. That’s how it is. We all have our shadows, Hetty, the demons which keep us awake at night. Don’t think your life will be any different, because it won’t be.’

‘Oh, Mutti…’

She dries her eyes and pours herself another coffee.

‘As long as he thinks I don’t know, everything will carry on. Everything will be okay.’

There is desperation in her voice, as though she is telling herself this because she doesn’t quite believe it, and she hangs on to it like a lifeline. But none of this is helpful. My brain whirs.