‘Is that why you’ve been walking out with him? Because you’re afraid he’ll expose you? Oh, Hetty, he won’t talk. He wouldn’t dare. Besides, Walter’s out of the country and it’d be his word against yours.’ Erna half laughs. ‘Come on, it’s really not that bad. Which of you would they pay more attention to? Look, I know you’re upset about Walter, but it’s done now, and you have to move on. You’ve lost Karl too, and with Tomas breathing down your neck it’s just all too much.’

She straightens.

‘That’s it!’ she says firmly. ‘That’s how we get rid of Tomas, for a while at least. And once he joins the Heer, well, then he’ll be properly off your back.’

‘How?’ I wipe my eyes and blow my nose. My head throbs.

‘You leave Tomas to me. I’ll tell him you’re still grieving for Karl and he needs to give you space for a few weeks – no, months. That will let him down gently. How does that sound?’

I nod slowly. It would give me space and time to think of how I can deal with this mess. Perhaps it will just go away. It happens, doesn’t it? Miscarriage. You hear about them all the time. Perhaps that will happen to me and then everything will be okay. Much better that I don’t see Tomas, because the way he looks at me, he’s sure to notice soon enough.

And he, of all people, will be able to work out who the father is.

‘Thank you, Erna. You’re a true friend.’

‘It’s nothing.’ She squeezes my hand. ‘I just want to see you smiling again, dearest Hetty.’

*

After Erna has gone, I settle back in my window seat with my journal. The soft cushions moulded in familiarity against my back and around my legs. Kuschi jumps up and curls himself against me, thumping his tail on the cushions. I stroke his silky coat a few times, then begin to write.

I know you are married now, but I shan’t ever stop thinking about you, dearest Walter. It would be impossible because you are part of my very being. I cannot see that this will ever change, however much time passes by. Today has been torture. I don’t need to say why. But now that it’s done, I feel some kind of weird, inevitable calm. As though, as your new life starts, mine is somehow over. I hope you are happy, though, I really do, and I’m glad beyond anything you’re safe. That’s why I’ve made up my mind. I am not going to tell you. I’m keeping what’s happened a secret, because it will be better for YOU that way. And that’s what matters to me the most. My love for you is completely unselfish. As for me, I shall pray every day that this problem will solve itself. Because if it doesn’t, I know that I am doomed. Perhaps that night Tomas got carried away, perhaps it would have been better if he’d gone through with it. Then this would have been easier to explain. But it’s too late now. Much too late. Nobody can help me. So please, God, if you are there, make this easy for me. Make this thing go away.