I carefully pull out the top drawer of the old oak desk. It creaks and I freeze. No footsteps sound in the hallway. The door does not fly open.

Exhale. Inhale. Carry on.

Inside the drawer I find an assortment of personal letters. On one I recognise Oma’s beautiful, cursive script with the Berlin postmark. Underneath the pile are a stack of small folded envelopes, written in a female hand – Hilda Müller’s, surely. My fingers itch to open the little envelopes and read the disgusting secrets held inside. But, at the same time, I’m repelled by them and would rather not know. I close the drawer quietly. They are a distraction, not what I’m looking for; Walter needs me to be focused.

I move to the next drawer. A spare blotting pad, writing paper and envelopes. The bottom drawer is empty. I sigh and lift my gaze. On the wall opposite the desk, deep in shadow, are the various framed accolades to Vati. His Nazi Party membership certificate – number 3,245. Above them, Hitler’s portrait. We stare at each other, eyeball to eyeball.

I loved you once.

His eyes are piercing black. His voice resounds in my head, clear and deep. You have sinned in the worst way imaginable. You will pay a price. Your punishment will be of the worst kind…

Shut up, SHUT UP! I cover my ears and screw my eyes shut.

I sink into Vati’s big chair, slowly open them and concentrate on the papers in the trays. The top two sheets are memoranda to newspaper staff about timekeeping and behaviour codes for journalists. Then an invoice for a repair to the car. The rest is a mixture of business correspondence and other invoices.

I move to the second tray. Right at the top is a letter marked, ‘To All Regional and Local SS Commanders: TOP SECRET. WITH UTMOST URGENCY.’ It bears today’s date, 9 November 1938, and is signed by Herr Fischer, head of the Leipzig branch of the Gestapo. I snatch it up.

*

Operations against the Jews, in particular against their synagogues, will commence very soon. There must be no interference. Preparations must be made for the arrest of between 20,000 and 30,000 Jews across Germany. In particular, affluent Jews are to be selected. If any Jew is found in possession of weapons during the operations, the most severe measures must be taken. Further directives will be forthcoming during the course of the night. SS may be called upon for the overall operations. As soon as events permit, as many Jews from all districts, especially the rich, as can be accommodated in existing prisons are to be arrested. For the time being, only healthy males are to be detained. The appropriate concentration camps are to be contacted immediately for prompt accommodation of the Jews arrested.

*

The room spins. What sort of orders are these? I place the papers and trays carefully back in the right order with shaking hands.

Twenty to thirty thousand! It sounds like the size of an army. Is this an army of Jews about to attack Leipzig? But something about the wording doesn’t seem right. I retrieve the order and read it again. Operations… against their synagogues… In particular affluent Jews are to be selected… If any Jew is found in possession of weapons… the most severe measures must be taken.