She decided to go back to the New York version of Olivia, without all these damn ups and downs. Yes, fine, the ups had been incredible, but the downs weren’t worth it. Some combination of dating Max and moving back to California had made her emotions so heightened, and she was sick of it. She tried to put Max out of her mind, to go to the gym and work and home and the gym again and get up and do it all over again. And, for the love of God, to stop feeling her damn feelings.

She still thought about Max constantly, but keeping busy helped. Those first few nights she cried herself to sleep, but after a while she didn’t even have the energy to do that.

And then one night at the gym, as she flipped channels to find something to watch while she ran on the treadmill, she accidentally turned it to MSNBC. And there was Max. A surge of happiness went through her as she heard his voice. It felt like an automatic, instinctual reaction; apparently her body hadn’t caught up to her brain. She’d been so used to being happy when she saw him, it was hard to remember she was supposed to be sad now. She stared hungrily at the tiny screen. She stopped flipping, turned off the treadmill, and just stood there watching him. She’d missed him so much. When his segment ended and they cut to commercial, she realized tears were streaming down her face.

After that night, she watched the news every single night to see if she could get a glimpse of him. God bless cable TV bookers who were so susceptible to perfect hair and charming grins—he was on at least two weeknights out of five. He always had something smart to say, and seemed like he was always in a great mood … though was it just her imagination he’d lost weight? It probably was. Maybe he’d already found someone else. Someone who lived in DC and could be around all week with him and didn’t have a job that got in the way and who liked impulsive romantic gestures and would beam and wave at the press like she’d been doing it her whole life.

The depression that hit when she thought of whom Max would date next didn’t stop her from watching him whatever chance she got. Ellie had told her to feel her feelings, well, now she would feel them all! She’d probably never see him again in real life, so if she needed to watch him on TV for a few weeks or months to help herself get over him, that’s just what she was going to do.