The rumor around campus was that Waltham was going to be used as an example to any seniors who may have had visions of enjoying the last three weeks. In light of this, I asked for permission to make a short plea to the Disciplinary Committee on his behalf. Before I spoke, Fundy presented the school’s case. The description he gave to the D.C. was ludicrous to the point of being-a caricature of Jonathan Wheeler—never mind Irving Waltham. He called him a “malicious malefactor” who was determined to “disrupt and defile the Cornwallian way of life.”

When it was my turn to speak, I basically called Fundy a lying sack of turds. Mort immediately objected, saying, “How dare you attempt to coerce this committee by disparaging our colleague’s unquestionable probity.” Funderburk bowed in Mort’s direction and then savored the proceedings with the subtle, smug look of a man who is beyond reproach.

Since the truth was out of the question, I decided to throw Waltham at the mercy of the committee and simply asked for their compassionate forgiveness and a rational punishment. “Come on,” I said, “you guys know that Irving is a good guy. The truth of the matter is that he got spring fever and busted loose a little. Haven’t you ever done anything crazy?”

Waltham was kicked out of school that evening. I was stunned. When I’d left the hearing, I felt he was in pretty decent shape. Two of the D.C. members had had him in class and said that he’d always been a polite, respectful kid. Unfortunately, hotter heads prevailed.

Saturday night I helped Waltham carry his stuff to a waiting taxi. I couldn’t help but feel responsible.

“Hey, I’m really fucking sorry, Irv,” I said. “If it was up to me, I’d take your place.”

“Stop it,” he said. “This has nothing to do with you.”

“How’s your old lady?”

“What do you mean?”

“How’d your mother take it?”

Waltham shrugged. “Cripes, I don’t really care how she takes it. She didn’t get bounced, I did. I hope she learns a lesson from it, though.”

“What’s that?”

“She better buy a lot of tuition insurance the next time she plans on running my life and locking me up in a hellhole like this.”

We put his bags in the backseat.

“Jesus, I’m sorry,” I said again.

“Don’t you see what’s happening, Dunph? I’ve changed. They’re throwing me out because I’ve changed. Do you realize in the last two months I’ve pursued and landed the girl that I wanted, I’ve partied when I’ve wanted, I’ve done everything when I wanted. Don’t you see? It’s like the school’s telling me that I’m not such a pussy after all. It’s official; Irving Waltham is back.”