Students spoke of those expelled as if they were all dead. As far as the Academy was concerned, they were. Once dismissed, you had twelve hours to get lost and you were forevermore persona non grata.

I was walking down the boardwalk after I’d been at Cornwall about two weeks when a large bandaged paw reached out of Dean Mort’s office and grabbed my arm.

“I’ve been searching for you, Mr. Dunphy,” the Dean said.

“You have?” I asked nervously as he led me into his office.

“Yes, I have. Ever since I received this poignant note from a friend of yours called Drugs.” He held an envelope away from his body as if it stunk.

“Drugs Delaney?”

“Mr. Dunphy, how many individuals named Drugs could you possibly associate with?”

“Just one, I guess.”

“Then I suspect Drugs Delaney is our man.”

I didn’t get it. Dean Mort explained. Drugs had written a letter and forgot to put my name on the envelope. It was simply addressed to Cornwall Academy, Cornwall, Connecticut, and it had found its way to the Dean pretty quickly.

“Perhaps you’d better sit down,” he said.

I did.

Then he began to read the letter aloud.

Greetings Dunph—

Whats happening? I got your letter today. Cornhole Academy sounds like it really sucks the big one. I can’t believe they make everyone work a lot and not smoke. You should tell the head dick to shove it, you didn’t want to go there in the first place. He’d shit!

Man, you shoulda seen me and Costa today at school today. We got cocked on a pint of blackberry brandy and ate some T.H.C. on the bus. We were fucked! This teacher Mr. Rivera goes what’s wrong with you Delaney because I kept laughing, so I go I’m fucked man! Everybody laughed like a bastard!

Hey, you should see this song I’m listening to. It’s called Don’t Bogart That Joint My Friend. I think its by a group called

(At this point a line slashed across Drugs’s letter. There was a gap, and the letter continued farther down the page.)

This is a couple hours later. Must’ve nodded out, man. Now I think I don’t remember the group neither. I think its a group. Hey, I gotta go because I’ll probably definitely nod again. Tell me when your coming home. I’ll get some shit for everyone and we’ll go wild. You want me to send you any squeef or you got enough? Good luck not getting caught.

Cocked in R.I.—
Drugs

P.S.—Did you know that a dog’s asshole is cleaner than a human bean’s tongue?