‘No, you don’t. You just get in trouble and you get sued,’ said Yo-less. ‘And the police take all your computers away. There was something in the paper.’

They wandered aimlessly towards the computer shop.

‘I saw this film once, right, where there were these computer games and if you were really good the aliens came and got you and you had to fly a spaceship and fight a whole bad alien fleet,’ said Bigmac.

‘Did you beat it? I mean, in the film, the alien fleet got beaten?’

Bigmac gave Johnny an odd look.

‘Of course. Sure. There wouldn’t be any point otherwise, would there.’

‘Only you can save mankind,’ said Johnny.

‘What?’

‘It’s the game,’ said Wobbler.

‘But it always says something like that on the boxes you get games in,’ said Johnny. Except if you get them from Wobbler, he added to himself, when you just get a disc.

‘Well. Yeah. Something like that. Why not?’

‘I mean they never say, “Only You are going to be put inside a Billion Pounds Worth of Machine with more Switches than you’ve Ever Seen and be Blown to Bits by a Thousand Skilled Enemy Pilots because You Don’t Really Know how to Fly It.” ’

They wandered past Mr Zippy’s Ice Cream Extravaganza.

‘Can’t see that catching on,’ said Wobbler. ‘Can’t see them ever selling a game called Get Shot to Pieces.’

‘You still having trouble at home?’ said Yo-less.

‘It’s all gone quiet,’ said Johnny.

‘That can be worse than shouting.’

‘Yes.’

‘It’s not that bad when your mum and dad split up,’ said Yo-less, ‘although you get to see more museums than is good for you.’

‘Still found no aliens?’ said Wobbler.

‘Um. Not in the game.’

‘Still dreaming about them?’ said Yo-less.

‘Sort of.’

Someone handing out leaflets about Big Savings on Double Glazing gave one, in desperation, to Yo-less. He took it gravely, thanked them, folded it in two and put it in his pocket. Yo-less always filed this sort of thing. You never knew when it might come in handy, he said. One day he might want to double-glaze his surgery, and he’d be in a good position to compare offers.

‘Anyone see the war on the box last night?’ said Bigmac. ‘Way to go, eh?’

‘Way to go where?’ said Yo-less.

‘We’re really kicking some butt!’

‘Some but what?’ said Wobbler.

‘We’ll give them the “Mother-in-law of All Battles”, eh?’ said Bigmac, still trying to stir some patriotism.

‘Nah. It’s not like real fighting,’ said Wobbler. ‘It’s just TV fighting.’

‘Wish I was in the army,’ said Bigmac, wistfully. ‘Blam!’ He shot the double-glazing lady, who didn’t notice. Bigmac had a habit of firing imaginary guns. Other people played air guitar, he shot air rifles.

‘Couple more years,’ he said. ‘That’s all.’

‘You ought to write to Stormin’ Norman,’ said Wobbler. ‘Ask him to keep the war going until you get there.’

‘He’s done pretty well for someone called Norman,’ said Yo-less. ‘I mean . . . Norman? Not very mackko, is it? It’s like Bruce, or Rodney.’